Me: Chapter Nine – I Am Jorban or My Sports Story…?

Da da da DUT da DUH!


da da da DUT da DUH!


“Mom?” I asked. “Who;’;s Charge?” I’m pretty sure it was her that I had posed this question. All’s I know for sure is that this question was posed in or around one of the Minnesota Twins’ World Series bids. All my life, I’v been lead to believe that we were there during the World Series. But according to my mom, just now, we werente.


Either way. Whereever/Whenever this question happened. I mean. We were, undoubtedly inside of Minnesota’s Metrodome and stuffs. But. Uh.

She responded, “What?” I’d puirpose the question to her once again, I’m sure. Honestly? I have no idea what “her” or.. whomever I was talking to, honestly. I just… vaguely rmember that it wasd my mom. Could’ve easily been any sibling of mine, my dad, merhaps even a cousin. I don’t know.

Da da da DUT da DUH!


I mean, I’ve only skimmed it, but, again, this, is a brilliant artivle. Legit. Written by Bruce Anderson, who was affiliated with Sports Illustrated, apparently. In 1990, I guess. Espin? Is that a real thing?

All I know. For certain. Is thatKevin Touchdowns was THE man. *Hiding this baseball player’s identity to fr his sake and mine) He was my favorite baseball player. I mean. He was the only one I know of that played for the Twins back then. Hell, he’s the only player of note that I could tell you played for the Twins, ever. And stuffs.

Thomas Luttgen Walker. Creator of “Da da da DUT da DUH!”

But. Being as yopung as I was, I thought and pretty much figured that the whole,  ” Da da da DUT da DUH!” Had something to do with a player. Cuase. Kevin Touchdowns had noises… or.. you know… chants about him too. That we all recuted, since we lived in Minnesota.

“Who’s ‘Charge’?” I asked, apparently, my mom.

I got my answer. Writing this. Tonight.


He was Thomas Luttgen Walker.

Good job, internet. SI. ArtistInfo. All of you. Thank you both for answering this life-long question of mine.

And of course, thank you, Thomas Luttgen Walker.

Tommy. Apparently that’s the name he went by. Sorry.

NOT AT ALL RANDOM SIDENOTE: I didn’t attend the World Series. At all. I’ve just made this up in my head this whole time. I guess.  I should’ve known when I started looking up “Athletics @ Twins World Series.” But, Whoops. Whoopsie.

So yeah. That’s the first memeory I’ve got of sports. Baseball things. Minnesota Twins. Boom.

Whoops. Whoospie.

Cousins. Aunts. Uncles. Kids. Cousins. But definitely not my mom and dad. We all pkayed a “legit” game of soft/baseball/whatever the difference is. In this public park. And it was awesome. It happened in Maple Grove. Shut. Up. Crime. If you read this. You know you were there.

THE next? Has to do with having an NES after moving to Colorado. And coming i n ownership of a baseball NES game. And I asked Shane, “Why aren’t the Rockies in the game?” Because they didn’t exist yet, I guess. Whoops.

OK. Next… I mean. I played numerous. NUMEROUS sports video games. Boxing. Basketball. NFL (just in case someone in the world is out there reading this [love you Keegs] but I’m calling it football from now on), UFC in the recent times.

Blah, blah, blah… video games.

Bruh. I remember bragging to my dad as he’d ptch balls to me, saying dumb shit like

Heh. They’ll be calling me the new Babe Ruth.

I said this mostly because we were doing baseball things, I had probably seein the movie, The Babe at far too young of an age, I could ht a ball being thrown at me pretty decently for a six-year-old, The Sandlot vibes are in there, plus… as a youngin’ you always think you’re going to be some sort of amazing piece of amazingness. But get this. I also had “God” and my Dad’s words from “God” backing me up.


Obbiously, I was gonna be the new Babe Ruth. Shut up, Barry Bonds!


Cut to high school.

I mention that I’d liek to try playing football. I mean. As far as I know *(especiallty today), I don’t have an athletic bone in my body. But. Like. I have a conversation with some sort of high school quarterback person. And he’s like, “Yeah dude, you’d make a great Center!” I didn’t know what that meant. Even when he did elaborate by saying, “Yeah, you’re not the tallest guy, we could see the field above you, yuo’d be great!” This was sophomore year.

Shortly thereafter, I had a doctor’s appointment where my mom brough upt high school football players dying on the practice field from heat exhaustion.


My doctor at the time, gave her the biggest eye roll ever. And like. Eye rolling for him was basically like breathing. But he informed her that when those situations happen, it’s usually due to like steroids and whatnot. You dumb ass. Give your boy a chance.

But obviously that not what he said. He did give her the biggest eye rolls of all eye rolls though. So.

Cut back to younger me. And I fucking love shooting hoops.

I’m the problem it’s me. Obviously. And being fat. Obviously.

But there I was. From a near three point line, dropping that bucket whilst standing on a chair. In fourth grade.



A year (shut up, it was probably two months) or so later, my best friend, Robert ( I mean, what I’m about to say makes it sound like he stole it from my bare hands, like he did with a slice of pizza that one time, but nah I’m sure I sat next to him when he) wrote “goldberg sucks” and… uh… Oh shit… I just realized what that says. Uh… “I am Jorban.” So. Cool.

I am Jorban.

Later in life, I realized the video game I played SNES was some sort of NCAA Basketball game. Hell. I’ve got Madden ’95, and like the stratedge kinda booklet thing that would’ve come in the box for SNES. Shit’s just right ovwer there. Seven feet in front of me. I think. Thrtr’s also some Madden on Sega Henisis in one of the drawers of the old school dest that’s like… 10ish feet away from me. For the record, the first WWF SmackDown game is in one of those drawers, last I knew. Probably wrong though.


Giood news is. I FINALLTY discovered THE video hame that made me fall in love with football.

I mean. I’ve been trying to find this shit since August of 2020 when I wrote the original. You know. Before I made a “correction,” that still isn’t a REAL correction cause. LBALH! Shut up, me! Shut up, life!

NFL. 2k3.

That’s th e game that made me fall in love with football.

Greatest show on turf Ramswere still relevent here. Brian Urlacher was right on the cover (FFS, how did I not remember this game THIS LONG DUDE?!)_ I didn’t understand why Marshall Faulk was a terrible player after I had won, like, five Super Bowls straight. Hell, the dude I drafter a couple of years prior was better than Marshall Faulk, like, 10 years straight big game wins. I didn’t get it.

But I felll in love with gootball. This era.


NFL Fever on the XVOX. With, Tennessee Ttans being the best team in th game was also a good time. Even though, I didn’t have THE Xbox at the time, Robert and his brother did then. And Yeah dude. I’d kick Topher’s ass all the time with the Titans. lol I dunno,

This was THE thing that made me realize this was the game I’ve been looking for. Whoops. Whoopsie!

(Wathcing it again right now, just oof. where’s Ryan as one of those WR’s with Holt and shit bruh?! Bruh… THE whole reason I’m a… gun to my head… Rams fan, is because of this game. So good. Don’t care. Not spiking my hair.+)

“Second and long’s gonna be third and long!”


Madden 05-07 (somewheres in there most likely, ‘o7) also happened. Whatever game I spent so much time with. … It was a good time. I just remember creating soe sort of “Colorado Springs” team and doing fantasy tyupe drafts for the Franchise. And I’d be like, “DAMN IT! I COULDN’T GET PEYTON MANNING THIS TIME!”

But like…


I remeber having arguments about Peyton Manning in forums around this time. And I was all like:

Shut up! Those stats only matter in fantasy and Madden, LOLz!

FFS. I probably repeated that in like 2014-2016.

It’s the 90’s.

I don/t think I ever told this story before to anyone. Ever.

It’s the 90’s. WE’re ddeep in the Jorban/Bulls dynastiness. And I come across some kid, I mean, dude was tall as hell. He was shooting hoops. I was coming back… from… I dunno… some friend’s house. And boom. We started shooting hoops togethr.

I tell him my age. He says he’s the same age.

Obviously he’s not.

But I’ve been raised CHRISTIAN AS FUUUUUUUCK my whole life and didn’t know that people couled lie to you about such things. So. I tookhim at his word. He was, obviously putting on a high pitched voice as he drained bucket after bucket. Taking shots in front of his house.

I said something alone the lines of, “Wow! You’re so good you should play for the Bulls!”

“REAALLLY?!” He perked up.

In all likelyhood, he was probably 14 or 15. I dunno,

Either way, his house was like three down from mine. I think I just needed to go home to eat dinner or something? So I was like, “I’mm be back in a little bit!” And the dude was like, “YAY! Come over and let’s play!”

Whatever I did at home, be it eating dinner, whatever, it happened. And I went back to the house.

Knocked on the door.

Some even older dude answered, high as fuck, and said something like, “Yeah, he was lying to you, go home!”

It’s summer. 2020.

NBA 2k20 is given for free on Playstation Network.

It’s the first basketball video game I’ve, REALLY played since whatever that NCAA game was on the SNES. And I have a grand ole’ time. Like. I immediately fall in love with basketball all over again.

I fell in love with sports again, reallyt.

Highlights from my best game. Ever. Shut up. I’ve had quadruple-doubles. I’ve had 110ish point games. But THIS was my best NBA 2K game. Ever.

I’ve said  in previous ramblings that I’ve played modern Madden games. And FFS. Aside from Madden 25 (2013), I was disappointed. Amd disappointed. And disappointed. But here was this free NBA 2k20. And I couldn’t be more enthused, myu dudees.

I go on to buy 2k22 for $10. 2k23 goes on to be given away for free a couple of months ago.

And I don’t care. NBA 2k obviouslty has LOTS of faults. But dude. It’s MILES better than anything EA has come up with.

This is a great watch. Shut up.

I don’t care anymore. I am Jorban. Shut up, crime.

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