Me: Chapter Four – Good Morning, Colorado!


That’s what he said. Over and over and over.

He was the closest thing I had to a best friend. Shit. Nah. My bad. I’ll give him tghe credit he deserves. He was my first best friend after my family moved to Colorado. So. Cool. He’ll be referred to as Samuekl. And…

Samuel was playing Star Fox on SNES at my house. In the living room. In front of everyone. And he was trying his best to dodge alll of the… you know… everything that goes along with playig Star Foxz on the SNES. You know what I mean?

Do a barrel roll?! But not yet… really..

THE fact… that thos actuallly, legit happened at the time… in THAT living room is blowing my mind
Before I met Samuel. I met Kevin. And for some reason. He gave be a Buddha statue,. thiomg/ I don’t know how. I don’t know why. I don’t think I tried to “trade” anything for it or anything. Pretty sure, anyways. I just know that Kevin gave me a Buddha statue. This one time. Early. Collradoness.

One. Two. Skip a few. This hollow statue. Keep in mind, I had no idea that other religiions existed at this point. I had NONE% ideas how this statue was a symbol of… anything… but whatever. It’s this hollow Buddgha stratue. All. Black. It’s probably, 10 inches in hiehgt? Something ;ike that.

Eeither way, it’s got a fucking black widdow living insider of it. No. Not Scarlett Johannson. But a big ass spider. Thing. Living inside of the statue.

After I recieved this statue…. I have no idea what happened next. I assume we gave it back to the family? With or without pointing out the spider living inside of it? I have no idea. But that was a thing. That happened.

Also. Kevin’s five-ish-year-old sister did some weird ass stripper-esque dance this one time when I was at their house. Keep in mind, I was like seven-years-old. And it’s not like she was doing any sortof “performance.” Or something. It was just… weird as fucl.

First house we lived in. In Colorado. With modern… sensibilities? Merhaps?


I dunno. My mom kicked like… a “dresser” type of thing that was in front of their bed.


Whatever this arbguement was, it’s obviouslty one of the first signs that my parents should have divorved. But whatever. Obviousl. Anyways.

Like… OK.

So. My family moved to colorado with another family… people? Like… I barely know who this woman is. Her name was Kelly. And she had two daughters, a son… no… three daughters… that’s right. One hung out with Welly a bunch and her name was A-man…DUH?!

Oof. Oof. Sorry. That’s not a 2-23 appropriate joke. At all. Woops.


Kelly’s son, who I’m calling Shane, which, I mean, might be his real name, I don’t know…

He had so many Star Trek: The Next Generation action figures that I lost my mind. Homeboy even had a playset of the starship command or whatever the hell it’s called. NOT ONY THAT… But the dude had a playset of like… the Star Trek teleporter thjing bruh! Like… you could put your action figure in there and it’d disapper! It was nuts! And… homeboy only let me play with all of that once. In my lifetime. Mother fucker.

Yup. Their. Golden. We watched them girlies.

Bruh. I’m like three-four-years old. I’m snuggling up to my dad. My dad’s eating ice cream. He sucks off (shut up Beavis and Btut0head in me and such) most of it from his spoon and then he gives the rest of the spoon-filled ice cream to me. And there we are. Watching Golden Girls


Star Trek: The Next Generation.

And like… those moments.

Minus one that I’ll talk about later.

And… I absolutely reember how big of a deal it was, for some reason, why Picard became a member of the Borg or something. That was a big deal. At some point. But. Yeah. That’s basically all of my Star Treak fandom. Minus a random, upcoming, sidenote. Whoops.


A-man-duh was one of the daughters. Then there was an even ypunger daughter. Like. Four-years old or something. And then there was Laura. Something like that. Laura was two years older than me, if I recall. And like. Whoops. Whoopsie.

There were taht time when we were hanging out in Samuel’s… I don’t know? It wasn’t a treeehouse. I fuess… clubhouse? Thing…? In Samuel’s Backyard? Something? Whatever that struter were… We were hanging out in there… Or something.

And yu better believe that Laura was dropping ALL of the hints bruh. ALLLLLL OF THEM@!

She was all like “I’ve got a crush on a boy that lives in our house,” And I’m all like, “It’s nlt your brother, Shane? Right?!”

Obviously, she weren’t into incest. So.

It… uh…

You know… she had a crush on me. And when I figured that out, she said something l;ike, “Well, should we kiss or something?” Basically. Those were Laura’s words.

And I was like, “Bruh. I’m a Christian. You can’t do that unless you’re married, WTF?!”

I mean, don’t quote me on it. But. Basically, that’s what I saiod.

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