I don’t know if you know this or not. But like. A few years ago? I used to do this weekly podcasty thing. It lasted from 2012-2016. And. I mean. For the most part? It was, essentially, The Big Texas Ryan Show! With your host… BIIIIIIIIG TEXAS RYAN! Obviously, I’d do an anual soecial Halloween episode.
One thing that I’d do for each and every one of those specials was list my top 10 favorite horror/slasher films. Or. You know. Movies to the layman.
But like. There wasn’t ever. One year. Where the top 10 list matched the year prior. Like. I’d never do the same top 10. Ever. Not because I’d seen a new horror movie or anything like that. But mostly. Becaude I thougt it’d be funny to change it every year.
Since it’s #Spooktober or whatever, might as well make it official. Since it’s the year of top 10’s and whatnot.
10. The Fourth Kind
So. It were a random night in like 2009-2011 somewheres. My rogue brother came around, probably drunk, and made everyone in the house watch this movie.
I had no idea. None%s idea wtf this shit was.
And I was fucking shaking in terror.
This is, legit, the onlyu movie that has ever actually SCARED me. Blah, balh blah… what the movie actually is and all that. Obviousness.
But to quote (which apparently comes form Arthur C. Clarke?) a random comment I saw on the trailer there:
“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
So… yeah. Even given what the movie is, it still could be pretty damn scarey dude.
9. Sweeney Todd
Just stick with me here, because you’re probably going to argue with me a lot (wait till you see #1… FUCK YEAH! I DID IT BUZZFEED!).
According to google, this is a slasher flick based on a serial killer.And Imean, can you argue that? You know?
And I mean. Yea hdud. It’s like. One of only… two? musicals that I actually like. So. Hate Me. Slay Me. lolz, old school. Uh…
POlus, there’s that whole rumor back when I worked at the movie theater when this was… you know… out in theaters… that there was some Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way type of girl that kept buying a ticket to the movie and would cut herself every time Sweeney killed someone.
Can’t confirm or deny. That’s just waht I heard. Who knows. Who’s to say?
8. Hostel 1/2
No, we don’t have Hostel, but as you can see, we’ve got Brokeback Mountain!
May you never change, David Williams. Whereever you are!
Uhh… yeah. Horror? Maybe? Slasher? Possibly…
I dunnp… Hostel being released just a year after another movie that’s probably gonna get a mention somewheres in here that was also kinda torture porny… uh, a way to finish this sentence.
I dunnno, while the aforementioned movie came first… Hostel perfected the art of torture porn. Or. Merhaps that was Rob Black. Who’s to say?
Oh yeah. And uh… sorrt about including two movies in one number thing. That’s uh… you know. Gonna happen quite frequently. And you’re probably not gonna like that either. Whoops.
7. The Exorcist
So yeah. This movie’s pretty high up there, huh?
I’m sorry if it’s something that’s scared you to death back in the day or whatever. But like. That trailer there? It’s scarier than the movie. You know?
Those trap flash video things from the mid 2000’s where the little girl’s face would pop up in a jumpscare? Yeah. That shit’s scarier than the movie. You know?
But I mean. I get it. It’s cultural signifigance can’t be understated and such. I mean. I coulda put like… Texas Chainsaw Massacre here too for the same reason, but alas, I haven’t seen the original. Hate me. Slay me. I know. But. Uh. The only movie of TCM, that I’ve seen… I think it was called Origins? Or some shit? With character actress Margo Martindale. Or whatever. You know. From BoJack. She was Dewey Cox’s mom. Uh… And… Other people.
But I mean… saying that The Exorcist had a cultural impact… words. Basically, what I’m getting to is:
RANDOMISH SIDENOTE: Still hate YouTube Shorts. To death. Even if this merhaps finally leads me to success or whatever.
Really? I dunno man. I always liked this one caue like… the big bad. You know. Ghostface or whatever. He’s just a normal dude. Not some mythical being or whatever the hell Michael Myers and Jason Vorhees are, you know?
And the dude gets fucked up pretty good. Trips on shit. You know. It’s all a grand ole’ time.
And other words.
5. Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
Right here? If I haven’t upset you by now. It’s gonna happen dude from here on out.
Welps… merhaps not the next entry but. Yeah.
I’ve never seen any of the original Nightmare on Elm Street movies. Never had a reason to. So. Yeah. This one though? Loved it. Loved the shit out of it.
Loved that the dude that played Rorshachs was Freddy Krueger. Um… And… yeah… that’s basically all I remember. Dude was great as Freddy.
Merhaps you could say this movie is like #10. But WAY better? Although, no, I weren’t scared when I watched it. But.
It’s easily the creepiest movie I’ve ever watched. No doubts.
There you go?
Got a feeling the rest of these are just gonna be phoned in now. Merhaps I should have one more drink.
3. Friday the 13th/Friday the 13th (2009)
2. Halloween/Halloween (2007)
Yup. All four of these are lumped together,
THAT’S HOW PHONED IN THIS SHIT IS NOW!
But in reality, I’m just gonna say the same things about both… or… what’s the quadruple version of, “both?” Hrmph… I’m saying it in regards to all four of these movies. Boom. That’s why I get paid the bigguns moneys.
Both original movies are great. Fantastic even. Love em.
But I love these newer versions more. Why?
Mostly because I don’t like the asthetic of old shit bruh. As big of a wrestling fan as I am? The oldest match I’ve ever watched is from ’92. And I’ve never REALLY went beyond ’95 with anything other than WMX. You know? Old shit looks gross.
Lemme revert your attention back to that “YouTube short” I shared.
I mean… I couldn’t tell you a single actor involved in any of the newer movies outside of Rob Zombie’s duaghter and Malcolm McDowell (the latter of whome I only remembered because his name appears in the title of the trailer lmao)… And I mean… same could be said about the older movies outside of Jamie Lee Curtis. And… it looked like Kevin Vacon may have been in the original Friday the 13th, but I can’t be bothered to look it up.
I especially REALLY loved Rob Zombie’s Halloween, or at least, I remember REALLY loving it. I mean. I probably haven’t seen it since 20089 or sinetghng.
28 Days Later — I mean, I don’t REALLY care about zombies or anything. But I felt a zombie flick should be included. And if this is what I remember it to be… Cillian Murphy became a decent enough Scarecrow in all of Christopher Nolan’s films. Not just The Dark Knight trilogy. And fuck environmentalists. Again. If it’s the movie I think it is. (After watching enough of the trailer, it is the movie… still don’t know why I liked it other than the reasons I gave.)
Final Destination 2 and 3 — I mean, the first movie is fine too. But these two specifically because 2 was the first in the series that I watched, and three… well… it’s got a personal attachment to me that I’d rather not go into. May I rever your attention back to the “Youtuve Short” I shared above.
Death Proof — So… according to google, this is a horror/slasher movie. Merhaps slasher. MER-FUCKING-HAPS. But I dibn;t think so, rthus, I couldn’t count it. Otherwise? Dude. This would be ART LEAST #6.
American Psycho — Basically, read what I said above. Although it’d probably be like #4.
The Number 23 — Slasher? Nopes. Horror? Nah. Merhaps psychological horror. All I know, for sure, is that One of the movie theater co-workers I crushed on saw the movie with me and like clutched… or grabbed on me… whatever the term is… in fear at a few points when shit got intense. And Joel Schumacher is, legfit, pretty cool. Don’t care.
HORRONABLE MENTION — White Noise… Yeah.
1. The Las Jedi
OMG! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
HOW DARE DISNEY DO A THING TO MY PRECIOUS STAR WARS>?!
I’d never give a shit about Star Wars. Ever.
Alright. Let’s get down to business.
1. Black Panther
OMG! IT;S THE MOST OVERHYPED MOVIE EVER AND IT’S TERRIBLE!
Jokes. Jokes. My bad. Don’t cancel me.
It’s Saw dudes. lol
I mean. Obviously, right? No matter what I did during the BIIIIG TEXAS RYAN SHOOOOOW~!, Saw was always number one. Legit.
This movie’s #9. In my top 10 movies of all time. I mean… I used the same trailer as seen above in that rambling, right?
It’s obviously Saw. It’s always been Saw. Most likely, it always will be Saw.
Horror? Probably not. Slasher? Definitely. Hallowwen tradition for years. Shut. Up. Crime. And shut up, Ferres!
And shut up, dad! I’m doing important things!
And since, after, going on 12 years now, I never learned how to end a rambling…
I’ll leave you with this:
Because. Pitch Meeting is awesome.