My Review of The Batman I Guess

This rambling? It’s going to be my best atempt at a review / watching of / whatever.

I’m watching the movie right now, right? And I’m also going to be doing a reviewish type thing. So.. we’ll see how this all turns out I guess.

By the way… there’s probably going to be spoilers in here. But I don’t think there’ll be ANYTHING major. Penguin’s in the movie, right? Guess what.. so is the Icerberg Lounge! OH NO~!@ SPOILT~! BOOOOOOOO! You know. Some things like that. Although. I’ma give away the answer to the first riddle. Cause that shit’s brilliant. Loved the shit out of it. But that happens in the first five minutes or so of the movie. So. Anyways.

Simply put?

IF… and it’s a huge IF… I do “my top 10 Batman movies”… again… this year… for the year of top tens… The Batman is somewheres in the top threee. Easily put.

That being said? I haven’t REALLY said anything about this movie since… pre-pandemic.

Good times.

And like… all the bullshit I was bitching about back then? The ears? The cape? Like… none of that affected me at all whilst watching the movie. There was, merhaps once, I think when Batman and Gordon meet up forthe firs t time… like… when they talk about the first riddle… where I thought, “ew, popped collar cape, thing” or whatever.. but it quickly left. So.

But since I haven’t said ANYTHING about my thoughts on Battinson… or ANYTHNG… Let’s go here:

This shit though…

As a self-proclaimed Batman expert…

Batman DOES NOT wear eye shadow shit.

Up until this movie? Yes, the actors always have, and sure.. it MAY be weird when they took off the mask and there was nothing around his eyes or whatever. But shut up.

Where’s the eye shadow bruh?!

Shut up. It doesn’t exits.

Director Matt Reeves said he was inspired by Gus Van Sant’s Last Days (a fictional telling of Kurt Coabian’s last days) when creating Bruce wayne. Which…

I mean…

…sure.

But… yeah.

I HATE this eye shadow… emo bullshit… that is this Batman. Even more on this a bit later though, so long as I don’t forget.

Last nitpick about BATMAN… I still hate the emblem they went with. Yes. It’s based on the Arkham games Rocksteady made. But it’s still lame. Even though, I love how they made it a feature in the movie. Like… he kinda pulls “bat-a-rangs” out of it… but they’re more like “bat-a-knives.” So. That was cool.

FORREALS last nitpick… everybody… ever… knows that Batman called himself “vengenace.” And it’s pretty god damn vague as to how this is. So. Yeah.

Sigh… the movie’s FAR too whispery too. There. Done nitpicking.

Nitpicking.


Major spoilers here… but I’m kinda gonna reference it. Either way… it’s a good, fun and funny watch.

All that being said?

EVERY actor (even given thoiugh I’m about to REALLY¬† criticize about… I think… two of them) does a phenomenal job in this movie. Battinson’s chemistry with Zoe Kravitz is damn near perfect. They’ve got THE Batman/Catwoman energy. No where NEAR that “ugh, I’ll put up with you until something tragic happens, then I’ll really like you” that I kinda touched on in my rambing about my HOMEboy (I’ll have to do a propper “watch of…” for that one soon).

So… let’s get right into the first I’m gonna criticize.

Paul Dano. And. I mean. I suppost.. none of this is on HIM. It’s more or less…

I fucking HATE…

This.

I suppose in this universe? It makes sense or whatever. But that doesn’t mean I gotta like it. And I don’t. And I won’t.

Paul Dano… given everything? He’s fantastic. Don’t get me wrong. His casting (and I mean, I’m ONLY talking about him and Battinson, really) was the only one I ehard about that made sense and had me pumped up for the film. Then I started seeing thigs shit.. and…

Brug…

SOME version of this would work in this universe… with this story… with this… everything.. ruight?

Ths is exactly what I pictured when I heard Paul Dano was cast as Riddler.

nOT a scrawny version of…

…this.

I mean… everythig about Riddler is awesome. It is. I just hate the costume. Blah. More nitpicking. Sigh.

So yeah.

Battinson himself? Whispery. Only copmplaint. His Bruce Wayne is an emo mess too, yes. But that’s not on him. That’s on the direction and the story and such. At least that much was made clear. Unlike… you know… Tim Burton’s fanfic films.

RANDOMISH SIDENOTE: God… I HATE Batman Returns.

There’s quite a few fight scens. Where. Like… they’re only there because, “Hey, this is a Batman movie, so we need to have a fight scene!” Legit, I was watching them and I thought:

“The only thing that’s missing from this is the ‘BAM!,CRACK!, ZOK!,’ texts with those sound effects…”


Right?

Guess I’m still nitpicking.

The plot twists? As a self-proclsaimed Batman expert? I knew they were coming. El Rata… and the Catwomany reveal? Yeah. Both were pretty obvious.

Jeffrey Wriglt as Gordon? Bruh. He’s easily the best Gordon next to Gary Oldman. I mean. It’s not exactly tough competition or anything. But the dude nails it out of the park. Loved him. Forreals/

Andu Serkis’s turn as Alfred? Eh… He’s fine. He’s not the best. Michael Caine’s still got that seat. Shit… Jeremy Irons might even be better. But that’s not to say he’s bad. He’s not. He’s very sufficient. He’s good. But others have done it better. He’s got some stiff competition in front of him, that’s all.

I dunno man.

I really, REALLY loved this movie. It probably doesn’t sound like it. But I did. It’s not The Dark Knight, I dunno if anything could ever top that. But I’ve ALWAYS said, “The Dark Knight is the movie I wanted to see all of my life.” Now… I’ve gotta revise that a bit.

The Dark Knight is the movie that I always wanted to see as a child.

The Batman is DAMN NEAR the movie that I always wanted to see as an adult. It’s about 95-98%s of the way there. Steiner math.

And because of this, I’m here to plead…

#BattinsonSaveUs

Save us from this weir bullshit that is Warner Bros. Zack Snyder. All of it. Let’s build off of this universe. Merhaps not a WHOLE DCU. But… at Bat-family universe. Let’s make a Nightwing HBO Max series set 20 years in the future. And let’s make it akin to Daredevil. You know? Let’s build a Bat-family universe. Here. Just…

#BattinsonSaveUs. Please.

The foundation is here. You’re 5-2%s away from being THE Batman movie I’ve wanted to see in my adult life.

#BattinsonSaveUs. Please.


Oh yeah…

Then there’s…

The Joker. Everything about… the Joker…

I guess…

I mean… the actor plays/played him is fine and stuffs. I don’t HATE it. I don’t like the way he looks. Or… apparently looks. But whatever.

 

At least he’s not some weird monkey thing… or whatever they were going for in The Batman animated series…

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