So. Today. This day. When this rambling is published, which, obviously, wasn’t the day it was written ))but it’s not TOO far away either) marks the 30th annivarsary of this movie being released. In the year. You know. 1989. June 19th, 1989. Batman, a film by Tim Burton was unleashed on the world. And the world was never the same again. Tjis film, whilst launching a new franchise, was, truly, the catalyst as to the commodity that is comic book movies.
Sure, Richard Donner’s Superman, was a thing, like a decade earlier. But. I mean. People would purchase tickets to movies that featgured Batman‘s trailer. Only to leave the theater, satisfied with the “previews” portion of the ticket’s purschase. Right? The internet that didn’t exist was up in flames because Michael Keaton was cast as Batman. You know. In ’87, or whatever.
RANDOM SIDENOTE: Being the Batman expert I proclaim to be. Here’s an instresting little tidbit. Warner Bros. Who. You know. Owned DC at this point. Learnt that there was some moneys to be made after the aforementioned Superman mobie. And they were like, “Hey, let’s make a Batman!” So they rushed all sorts of stuffs to screenwriters. One of the things that went to the highest parts of pre-developmengt was a 1960’s sort of Bat-vibe. Starring Bill Murray as Batman with Eddie Murphy playing Robin. Then. Like. Michael Uslan became a thing. Hrmph.
But now. Here we are. Year of our lord, 2019. 30 years after the fact.
And I’m inebriated. And I’m watching the film that made me fall in love with Batman, totally. The story goes, that when I was two-three-years-old I could recite the film verbatim. Or something. And I mean. I remember being a three-year-old future humble drunkard from afar, and this film was my, for lack of a better term, baby sitter. And I’f watch it. A lot. Over and over.
But here we go.
Drunken watching of…
- Opening title sequence is so cool. And Danny Elfman’s theme will always be “MY” Batman theme.
- That opening painting, thing, of Gotham City is awesome.
- Even now, like, with “Taxi! Taxi!” THere’s quircks and things that I thought were a part of normal, every day life. I’ll explain in a bit what I mean.
- lol tbat CGI Batman is SO bad.
- “THERE AIN’T NO BAT!”
- “WHAT ARE YOU?!”
And so… a quote is born.
- Billy Dee Williams would’be made a TERRIBLE Two-Face. There. I said it. Apparently, that makes me a horrible, regressive, ashole. but. I mean. Literall.y
- And. We get our first look at commissioner (I just want to thank efeds for my instinctive, correct spelling of the word, “commissioner.”) Gordon. ANd. I mean. No doubt. This dude. Who I don’t even wanna give a quick google search to find his name… is terrible. Easily. Worst. Commissioner. Gordon. Ever. Even James Niel Hamilton (whom I did give a shit about to google) did a better jjob. This dude? Fuck him. Although, he did play a MIGHTY fine Nascar owner in Taladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. But Commissioner Gordon? FUck off.
- And we get our first look of Jack Nicholson as “Jack Napier.” And dude. This is… one of the biggest problems of the movie. Tim Burton, apparently, only read a slect few comics in preparations for it. One of those was The Killing Joke. So. We get an official origin soty. That would. Kinda. Taint. A LOT. Of things. B:TAS included.
- Although, I will say, the artwork behind Mr> Napier is awesome. Then the Kim Bassinger clone appears.
- Nicholson is Nicholsoning it up. It’s pretty awesome.
- At least he’s not Christian Slatering everything. Right?
- Why the hell is this leutenit person, not playing the part of Harvey Bullock? Why is it so hard?
- Knox. You know. The future Arliss. He should’ve been a much bigger deal. I love the dude.
- BOB! OUR NUMBER ONE GUY! IS IN THE BACKGROUND! With this meeting between Napier/Eckhart
- Come on, Burton or… whoever. Why the hell is Max Eckhardt not Harvey Bullock? You assholes.
- Buckle up, guys. We’re not even 15 minutes in the movie. And. We’re at near. 700 words.
- Bob Kane drew the “Batman” image. Cool. Little. Easter egg. Thing.
- Vicki Vale. Photojournalist. Was just in Corto-Maldex. Place. Is instrested in urban legends. OK.
- UH OH! HERE COMES THE 80’S BUSINESS MAN! YOU KNOW! THE WORST VILLAIN EVER! Next to Nazi’s of course.
- Oh. And Nicholson is wearing
- Bruce Waybe’s holding some sort of casino, event thing. In Wayne manor. All the while. He’s miserable. During the whole thing. He’s not, hapy-go-lucky. He’s not “the real mask.” He’s just. There. Being miserable Bruce Wayne. Because. Tim Burton and/or Michael Keaton KNOWS how to be Batman/ Bruce Wayne. Shit. The dude’s SMOKEING AND DRINKING. FFS. Yet. Michael Keaton is STILL, “the BEST” Batman. To… WAY too many people. Sigh.
- Michael Gough, on the otherhand was a DAMN fine Alfred. As opposed t the guy that played Gordon
- The room of armor is pretty cool. Not gonna lie.
- lol. 1980’s video recording technology.
- Although, I must say. These Batvave monitors are bad ass. Even though they don’t make much sense.
- So. Eckhardt is working an inside job on an inside job? Or something?
- Napier starts making chemicals go kaput! Right?
- Batman shows up and.. I mean… there’s so much about thos whole sequence that’d play a MAJJOR part of my early life.
- And. Smething just. Crumbled. My memories. Of a wee little three-year old humble drunkard from afar.
- Alright. So. Imagine you’re three0four-years-old. And you’re OBSESSED with this movie, like I was. aND. You’d go-round at playgrounds and shit. And you’d, quickly, run up those metalish playground stairs that’d lead to… say… a slide. Now, remember, you’re that young and you’re OBSESSED with this movie. OK? There’s a brief moment. When Jack Napier’s running through the “Axis Chemicals” (RANDOM SIDENOTE: FFS. Tim Burton and co. couldn’t even get “ACE chemicals” right!) and. Like. For… WHATEVER reason. There’s this moment, in the movie, where Nicholson, running through the scaffolding says soming like, “Haw-t” As if he’s touching something hot. And. I remember, numerous times. As a wee-little-three-year-old, humble drunkard from afar. Running up similar steps. On a playgroun. And every time I did so. I’d HAVE to say the phrase: “Haw-t.” Just like Mr. Nicholson. OK. This was dumb. But still. Noteworthy-ish. Let’s continue this monstrocity.
- FUN FACT: When Nicholson curses, “Jesus!” I was still under the impression that when a mommy gives birth, the doctor could see Jesus in their heart.
- And Jack falls into the vat of acid. Because. Killing JOke. Or something.
- From my early childhood. I remember “Pass the salt,” being a meme. THing. For me. Internallyt. When I was. Like. No later than eight-years-old.
Like… I’d have dinner and reanct this scene. In my own, dumb, young, child, way. Thing.
- Of course. I missed the irony. Wayne never was in the room before. Whatever. Then. Michael Gough’s been great being Alfred. Because. Outside of Michael Caine. He’s the best. And it’s a neck-an0neck tie.
- An. still. Now that Waynre and Vale are getting close. Bruce is still a de[ressed asshole. Not a happy-go-lucky dude that Bruce Wayne is supposed to be. He’s Batman the entire time. And that’s dumb.
- This Joker turn scene is awesome. Love it.
- And still, Wayne, who’s bout to bone Vidke Vle, he’s STILL being Batman. Not Bruce Wayne. BOOO!
- And so. We get the troubling thing. that would ruin this franchise. I’ll expand in a bit. But. Right now. I’m on about Joker being introduce to Carl Grisham
- And. Like. Where’d “Joker ” come from? BUT. This is an AWESOME introduction. With that… whatever Beethoven-esqure score that was i the backgroun.
- And. Again. Bruce just banged Vicki Vale. But he’s hanging upside down when she wakes up. Sigh.
- “Wait till they get a load of me.” And a quote is borne.
Fuck off, McLovin!
RANDOM SIDENOTE: While we’re on the subject of Kickass, and 60’s-esque Batman movies. Nicholas Cage played one of his best acting chops to date in Kickass, as the edgy, dark 60’s-eqsque Batman. And. It was. Forreals. Freat.
- Oof. The “mob” meeting.
- Here I was a wee-little furute humblre drunkard from afar, and I thought Jokwer wasm’t ACTUALLY purely white skinned, or whatever. I just thoought that when he wanted to be, he put makeup on to be WHITE. You know. Not. Puttging on a WHITE makeup to be white.
- Oh jesus. I just made a vox writer explode with racial undertones. 🙁
- And. Like. I remember. This whole, electricution death, thing scared me. To some extent. But it wasn’t ANYWHERE NEAR as scary as Turner meeting Hooch or… Morgan Freeman killing the with in Robing Hood: Prince of Theives (The latter hre inst’ the scene in particuar. But. Oh wells.
- BOB’S OUR NUMBER ONE GHTY! He had an action figure! With kicking action! I had that action figure. For some reason.
- Joker’s talkng to the skeleton thin.g. Person. And. This wasn’t “scary,” at all. Merhaps. Cause. “Death” wasn’t scary. Justy like. The act of deatj or something.
- Vicki Vale is a scorned woman and stalks Bruce Wayne. Wbat a bitch. Right? She’s brining down the patriarchy!
- Wayne is still a mournful, depressed cunt. Not. You know. The nnormal, Bruche Wayne that Bruce Wayne is supposed to be. Although. YOu knowqw. eav9ng the roses is a great touch of character building.
- So. Mob boss. Talks to press. About Jokerisms. Or something?
- Best part of the movie. Here. Kinda. When you think about it. Joker’s semi-emp,loyed mimes. Or something like that. Cause. Joker. “Henchmen.” Things. Awesome.
- Then. Jokerkilla Eckhardt. Right? No. It’s not Eckhardt. It’s just. Some dude? I guess? Joker makes hisself known. Like Joker would. Awesome.
- Bruce Wayne. Of course. walkes into that danger. Like… I mean… I proved myself wrong. It’s just like he wold do.
- So Bagtman. Joker’s upset. Because. Somehow. Batman, whilst being no where near the envetn in question, is a topic of the media. You know. When Jpker WAS there. And stuffs. And. imean. This is GREAT. Joker’s, OF COURSE, going ot be pissed because Batman’s on the news, whilst not attending the assassination of… whoever that was… and stuffs. All’s good.
- AND. WE EVEN GET BRUCE WAYNE BEING AWESOME. HEADING INTO GUNFIRE AND SHIT.
- Then. Blam. Bruce’s like, “Nah, Alfred. I’m a depressed, Michael Keaton cunt, and I don’t care about anyting ever.”
- And. Just like a Lannister. Michael Gogh’s all like, “Dude. bone a bitch. Cause, legacy.” HEY THERE TYWIN!
- FFS. Bruce isn’t even a person in this movie, he’s just a thing. And object. For Akfred, For , Vicki Cale.
- OH NOES~! THE PATRIARCHY! OH NOEZ! TWELVETH WAVE FEMINISM! WHITE MALE PROTAGONIST!
- OH NO! JOKER SEES VICKI VALE! AND HE SEES HER AS A PIECE OF MEET! MUCH PATRIARCHY!
- Still. Joker’s ALL, “white,” or whatever. And yet. Here I am. A mere. three-to0foure-year old, futeue humble drunkard from afar, and I’m STILL LIKE, “Why does Joker keep making his face all “WHITE?”” Right. Jesus. I was so racisgt. And by “white,” I meant, “WHITE.” Right? FFS.
- Awesome bit. Joker took over eveything. The News. Kinda like he did in his FIRST appearance. And it’s kinda awesome. But mostly. Tim Burton only read The Dark Knight Returns as a cimic book reference. So. Of course. We get some ttalking heads, news broadcasgs. things.
- Legit though. Batman expert. Thing I am. Burton said. He read The Dark Knight Returns a d The Killing Joke that was it. In preparation for the film. Hate me. Slay him.
- Napier, apparently, stufdied chemistry. Aweome iclusion. Basically.
- I mean. I’m so much of a three-yuear-0od white supremecist that I think Jack is removing the “WHITE” makeup and putting on, “white” makeup. FFS. I hate 2019.
And thend, the best Prince song, ever, happens. By my recolection. Anyways. This is only the best. Because. You know. It fits the scene SO perfectly. Right? I’m pretty sure, in the ole’ Drunken Radio Network days, I even referenced this when “Prince is dead” was the big news story of the day. But that’s neither here nor there.
- “The worl’d first homicidal artist.” Merhaps, Ted Bundy would argue this. I’m just saying.
- Phillip Seymore Haughmen would disagree, especially, this one time.
- This bit. When Kim bassinger threw water at Nicholson. And he’s like, “Boo!” and his face is white and… white.. that shit was scary. Not quite as scary as the two scenes in the two films previously mentioned. But still. Scasry.
- bATmobile gets its first appearance in the movie. And Jeasus Christ. It’s fucking beautifil. It’s not some random, “tank,” thing. It’s a beautiful car. And aqesome.
- Call me a “novince” Bat-expert. But. Fuck you. This was THE first time Batman EVER used a “grapple gun.” fORREALS. Prior to this film, Batman NEVER used a grapple gun. It’d then become an ex machina thing in Batman: The Animated Series. But in this movie? It was fucking revolutionary.
- And people bitch because the combat in The Dark Knight Trilogy is too vague or whatever. Dudge. Batman just beat up a dude with swords. Just cause. Literally. In Batman (1989)
- And the Batcave introduction is awesome. Love it.
- But. Like. THe fuck? Why’d Batman EVER do this? Allow photojournalist, Vicki Vale, to come here? The fuck’s the point, right?
- Bruce Wayne, forreaos, would NEVER allow this person ti enter his inner crlce. Evr. And yet, This is stil the “BEST” Batman movie, EvER!
- So… Vicki Vale has something else Batman wants. And it’s her camera film? Sigh.
- I mean. Its smart. It is. I’m not giving it enough credit. This story is doing good. It’s not as vague or dumb as I’ve made it our to be.
- Alred. Because he’s Alfred suggests telling Ms. Vale the truth. Again. Cause he’s Alfred.
- Then. Bruce. Being this, ultra depressed, asshole that is Bruce Wayhbe/Batman. And they’re the same person. He dominates Ms. Vale. Then it gets botched cause. Joker interrupts.
- And. THis side story is so dumb. Florreals.
- But it’s all saved. Cause.
- Either way. As crazy as Bruce is being. He’s NO WHERE NEAR… “Batman.” Merhaps. He’s being Batman in some sort of Tim Burton fevor dream. You know. the smae fever dream where Joker and Batman are fightiing over the effecction of the same woman. somobehow. But. Whatever.
- That gif and the scene/sequence is still cool. Easy.
- I mean. This Joker exiting Vle’s appartent scene. It’s Burtony as ALL hell. But. It’s actualy amazing. Really.
- Knox. This dude. This douche. Actually. You know. Discover’s that Bruce Wayne is Batman. On hs own. Basically. But he’s. You know. A man. And can’t be that smart. Even in 1989.
- Joker’s a cunt. That the 200th’s anniversary thing. Is happening.
- And. Again. Something about Joker bing white. But. Not. “WHITE. Sigh. I hate the world.
- “Takeb off my makeupe let’s see if you can take off yours!”
- And. I mean. It’s just now that we’re seeing Batman’s origin. So. I mean. That’s prettycool. Ad I mean. It’s obviously aweoem hor Tin Byrtib and co are setting up this narritve. Joker created Batman. “Danced with the devil in the pale moon lifght?” and all that. It’s ALL awesome. Legit. Joker created Batman. THen. Batman was created to “jill” Joker.
- And shittyness happens. Alfred forced a journalist on Bruce.
- The fuck? Vicki’s still like, “Let me me!” But dude. You’re in. FFS.\
- “Sometimes, I don’t know what to think about all this, it’s just smething I have to do.”
-Michael Keaton, speaking to Kicki V ale as Batman in 1989.
- And. Boom goes the dynamite. This is THE problem with these movies dude. Batman doesn’t make sense. Because. Uh. Batman isn’t supposed to. That’s why he flat out murderes some random, clown faced Penguin thug in Batman Returns (which, I still consider to be the worst Batman film ever). It’s why this whole “unmasking” forced upon by Michaek Gogh’s Alfred is so stupid and out of place. Tim Burton, the director of the fiom, Did not. And DOES not. Understand. Batman. Period.
- But let’s venture on.
- And. We get the batnipples scene. Becfore. You know. Schumacher got a hold ofthe series.
- Then we got AWESOMENESS with the Batmobile. FFS. ^his shit is brilliant. Love it.
- Then. Batman kills all the thugs trying to kill him. With a bomb dropped by the afforementioned awesome Batobile.
- ACE… I mean… Axis chemicals is now on fire cause of all this. I guess.
- And. Batman wasn’t even in the Batmobile this whole time. Joker was in a chopper.
- And. Here we go. The climaz. Gotham’s 200th’s anniversay is now upon us. Joker’s balloons! Here we go!
- Joker’s throwing money like he’s Donald Trump hosting Monday Night Raw!
- So. Like. The whole point of this movie is that Joker’s trying to upstage Batman. Period. That’s the WHOLE point of this WHOLE thing. Joker’s obsessed that Batman’s getting more press than he is. So jhe puts toxins in “beautification products.” Then. That doesn’t work. And so. Joker tries gassing all of Gortham City. To upstage Batman? In a parade? Some how?
- And forreals.
- But. Here we go.
- RIP. Bob.
- Then. Like. Atual climazes happen? Batman locking his fucking… misssiles on the Joker? Because of beautiy prodcucgs? Or someting?
- Literally, Outside of the exostensiuls kinda stuffs we’re about to get into… that’s what this movie boils down to. Joker is pissed because Batmn gets more press than he does. Batman is pissed at Joker because he’s cantaminated beuty producgts.
- I mean. We’re abot to get into the awesome part. Where. Like. You know. It’s TOTALLLY revealved that Joker created Batman. Cause. Joker killed his parents. And all that. But. Some Indianna Jone s shit is about to happen. Whilst Batman chases Joker. In the clock tower. Or whatever.
- And trhe commissioner gorndon person is there. Because he’s the police commissioner and he’d be there. At ever such crime scene like such as.
- And still dude. As much as I’m shitttng on this climaz? It’s prettty fucking beautiful, If for no other reaso n than asthetically, Right It’s dark. It’s gothic. And cool. Batman’s meeting up with Joker, or trying to, in this bell toqer type of [lace. right?
- And. More Iniana Joneness.Batman “kills” Jokr’s thugs with ne punch tupe thiong.
- That as[ect is dumb. But. I men. Alll of this. All of these thug fights are expected. And they’re dine.
- Final boss? B;acl dude kicks Batman’s ass for a while. Some how. Rings the bell. All that. Batman decides to murder that black dude, final boss. So. There’s that.
- Joker loves Vicki Vale too much.
- And. Legit? THAT’s the cclimax.
- Then. Bam. “Have you ever danced with th edevil in the pale moonlight”
- Finally. This shit gets instresting. This climax.
- “You made me? You made me first.”
- Now. We’re all hanging off of the edge of a bell tower. So.
- No. Forreas dude. As dumb as it is. I like this.
- Joker says:
Sometimes I just kill myself!
- Batman’s like, “Hold my champaigne!” Or whatever,
And here in lies the ENTIRE problem with… basically the WHOLE Batman franchise. Batman. LITERALLY kills the Joker. By hooking his leg to the gargolyele. And shit. Right? Thus. The Precedent is set. A Bat villaine MUST DIE. And be killed by Batman. It’s the seedling that would run amock.
- I mean.
- It’s not as bad as Tim Burton being given full reign over this “Batman” franchise. Where. You know. In the sequel to this… movie… Batman needed to fight against an army of literal penguins tp stop the murder of all of the first born children of Gotham. Yeah. That’s how unchecked this “Tim Burton Batman fan fiction” went unchecked.
- And yet. We live in a world where. Stlll THAT LITTERAL movie is still considered to have a better plit than Batman V Superman and Justice League. Some how
- Oh. And dude. Don’t get me wrong.
- This. YUo know. 1989 move ending with this shot?
- I’m just saying… how all of this… could POSSIBLY lead to a place where we get… you know…. this…
- I men. I didn’t want thi rambling ot end with a “fuck snowflakes,” “here’s some virtue signlors” type of way. And I mean. By and large? I’ve no idea WTF I’n trying to say at this point. ‘
All’a=s I KNOW is thzt Btman Returns is EASILY the wost Batman movie ever. And. Upon this further, drunken inspection? Batman (1989) MIGHT be the second worst. MIGHT. I mean. FFS. I COULDN’T be. Could irt? Forreals. This, again, IS, trhe WHOLE reason I loved Batman in the first place.
But Jesus. Batman (1989) is dumb.
But. It’s dumb for all the right reasons.
Boom I figured this out. Now that it’s a gthing. And needs to be. Year of our lord. June, 19ths. 2019. 30th anniversary of Batman. Batmania would soon follow.
And. Nothing mattered.