Dude. I’m just saying. WAY BACK… in the second year of this likeele. RyansDrunk.Com/Ryans Drunken Ramblings/blog/ramblings/whatever piece of nothingness art stuffs that I’ve created over the last, nearly nine yeRAS… I once said that this movie, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is the ourth best movie to watch when drunk. You can read all about it in The Drunken Diaries: Someone’s Drunken Ramblings You Don’t Want to Read. I’m just saying.
And. I mean. Besides the movie, also on that list in the first “book” of mine, Hesher, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is the ost random movie ever. I love it. So damn much.
And forreals. If Die Hard can be considered, by almost EVERYONE, a Christmas movie and MOST NO ONE bats an eye to this… just because it takes place at a Christmas Party… you BETTER blieve that Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a Christmas moie. I’l prove it throughtout this ramling.
- Mgic show. Opening this shit up.
I’m going to be an actreess!
- And. Immediately. Qe’re hit with Noir aqesomness. With this intro animation.
- Day one. Trouble is my business.
- “J-Y-L-L-E… that bullshit!”
- lol Robert Downy’s narration is already awesome.
- Boom. First bit of proof this is a Christmas movie. Robert Downey is robving a toy store to get a present for his nephew.
- Robert Downey’s partner in crim just died. And he ran into a script readin.
- Laughing my ass off already. This script reading is brilliant. lol
- Make no mistakes guys. Robert Downey didn’t make his comeback with Iron Man. It was this movie that scored him Iron Man.
- Harry. That’s Robert Downey. Harmony. That’s Michelle Monaghan. The two of them have AMAZING chemistry. It just sucks they haven’t done more movies together. Hell. She’s only done like… two RIGHT off the top of my head. I know I could think of a third. But. Damn dude. AH YEAH! Three. This, Due Date (the other one with Robert Downey) and The Heartbreak Kid. Whatever.
- Johnny fucking Gossimer!
- “Like my dad, tellig a joke, ‘Oh wait, let me back up!’ FUCK!” Good times.
- And we meet the robotstory.
- See. They’re at a random Hollywood Christmas party in L.A. Some black and white Santa movile is playing on a projector and stuffs. Come at me.
- lol… Harry’s ass is kicked. lol Jesus dude. No wonder I had no idea what was going on the first couple times I wtched this.
- Harlon Dexter.. character. Actor was on one of the soap operas I watched back then. He was someone’s dad. And he’s boning his daughter. In the movie. SPOILER ALERT!
God, I’m sore. I mean… physically… not like someone that’s angry in a movie from the 1950’s.
- Yups. Harry was the magician at the beginning. Harmony was the girl that got away.
- And. Of course. Harry got too drunk and boney Harmony’s friend. lol
- Ugh man. This movie is so awesome.
- Seeing people smoke, dude. Icmss it.
- DAY TWOL The Girl in the Lake!
- Uh oh. the gay uy used the ord, “Fggot.”
- Basically… the plot of the movie is. Harry’s being consdered for a big movie part. He’s now gotta follow Gay Perry, Val Kilmer, who is a film consultant and P.I. That’s me being a bad narrator
- Now, thy trip follow, and find themselfve in the middle of a big conspiracy. Thing. With a dead girl and stuffs.
- Perry accidentally shot the dead body. Harry throws the gun in the lake.
- Ugh. So good. Already. Ugh man.
WHAT? FUCKHEAD? BADLY IS AN ADVERB! WHO TAUGHT YOU GRAMMAR?!
- Harmony shot herselve. Apparently.
- I’ve eben a bad narrator again, I forgot to mention Harry’s narration about how the Johnny Gossimer books always involved two cases that ended up being the same case.
- :Wetter than Drew Barrimore at a grunge club.” lol
- So. Basically. harmony’s sister was saying using her name. And then she killed hersef.
- “I grabbed your tit! it’s a fuckng biggie@”
- Then. Ba,. Dead girl in his shower. And he gives her a golden shower. Of course.
- Find the gun!
OH GOD! I THREW THE GUN IN THE LAKE!
- Robert Downey and Val Kilmer make out for a minute. No homo,
- So much homophobia haoping in 2005 right now. In 2019.
- DAY THREE: The Little Sister
- Harmony told her sister a lie. Aboug dads and stfs. Because dad was abusive. And I think he ever molested her. PRONOUNS PAL!
- Veronica Dexter… Harlon Dexter’s daughter. Dead. The golden shower corpse.
- Colin Farrel wants too mch money! Harry’s leverage!
- LMAO… Harry and Perry fight. Good times. Can’t stop laughing. So good.
- Allison Ames. Bitch! My case. And Your case. IS THE SAME FUCKING CASE!
- Harmony cuts off Harry’s finger by slamming the door. It’s kinda a major plot point. Sory.
- Again. We’re in a club. And everyone, Harmoney included, is wearing a sexy Santa costume for wok. BOOMM! CHRISTMAS!
- Oof. Hary’s lighting a cigarette in a club. In California. In 2005.
- “See that” Obbediante little bitches too!” lol
- More homophobia! in 2005! Here. In 2019.
- Harlon Dexter is Johnny Gossimer! An actor as an actoer as a chararacter. No wonder this movie made no sense. When I watched it the first coule of times.
- OOOOOOFFFF! WAY TO MUCH HOMOPHOBIA HAPPENING I’M TRIGGERED AS ALL HELL!
- Fuck that biggoted black dude, Mr. Mustard! Fuck him. He needs ot be cancelled RIGHT NOW!
- So. Uh. Eventually. We find ourselves in this place where Harry kills Mr. Mustard. Good job. That’s what homophobes eserve!
- Random god eats Harry’s finger of course. I tol you it was a pretty big plot point.
- oof dude. Harry break down and consoles the dog. Good times. Robert Downey is back, bitches!
Overall? I give the movie 2 amputate fingers out of five. See you tomorrow!
- Nopes. THe Johnny Gossimer books always had an extra twist! And he always shoots 16 guys! So… of course the movie isn’t over yet!
You think I;m amazing! You think I’m amazing, because that’s who I told you I’d be.
- Oof dude. I didn’t think there was any REAL realness in this movie. But. Tears. Of course. Cause I’m an a motional wreck.
- So. They end up stealing a bunch of gum.
- And Michelle Monaghan’s booms are nice. Obviously.
- So. Haromony snuggles up to Harry topless and sutffs. And. It’s only supposed to be sleeping.
- But of course. She banged the guy from high school she promised…
- …Not to bang Chetney person. But she banged him anyway. So he throws her out. Stuffs. I mean. For me. She banged everyone in high school. Myself included. So.
- Oof. Even some soppy Christmassy sa d music is playing. BOOM@ Further proof!
- DAY FOUR: The Simple Art of Murder
- How abot it, filmgoer…. have you solved the mystery of the dead people i L.A.?
- Oof. Margo Martindale would’ve been better.
- So…. no underwarrs. In a nuthouse. That’s it.
- Come on dude. Robert Foney’s Quips are SOOOO much better in this than in ANY time her was Iron Man.
- Shit dude. Val Kilmer’s killing it too.
- Harry’s still doing math. Like I ould be.
- I’m preetty sure we’re all done with Christmas ness. Since like. I was wrong.. I gthought Haromony was just in her Santa get up again. But she wasyn’t. Although. She might be in it again? I dunno.
- Harry gets his nuts electrocuted like Shane McMahon.
- And then. The faggot gun comes in handy. Oof. I said faggot I gotta be cancelled now.
- I’m so sick of the “wrongthink” mentality the mainstream world has right now. Ugh. ESECIALLY how to interferes with art, cmedy, filmmaking, etc. Ya’ll are just so Goddamn fascist it’s not even funny.
- Another thrilling carchase.
- Perry dies. Another one of Harry’s partners dies right in front of him.
- Anogther makeout session with Iron Man and Batman circa 95.
- nd Harmony almost dies. As does harry. Till he shoots everyone whilst hanging off of the overpass and stuffs.
Oh Harold! Use your awesome might! Save me from this hopless plight!
- ooof. Dude. Right? Who DOESN’T save their “the girl the got away,” ESPECIALLY after that. Right?
- So yeah. Harry becomes Rambo.
- Shoots 16 guys.
- Saves Harmony.
- And they all come back at the end.
- Perry’s alive. Elvis is alive. Abrahama Lincoln is still alive! THANK GOD! We wouldn’t want moviegoers to be upset that Abraham Lincoln was still dead at the end of all of this@ AMIRITE?!
- And in the end…
- Harmony told her sister that Harlon Dexter was her real father… PRONOUNS PAL!
- Harmony saw that Harlon boned his own daughter from time to time.
- Sister killer herself because of it.
- And stuffs. Robert Downey Jr. Just said, “that’s the true story of what happened last Christmas!” Boom. Christmas movie!
For all of you good people in the Midwest, I’m sorry we said, ‘fuck,’ so much!
Overall? The movie gets 4 and a half Johnny Gossimer books out of 5.