Stop. Don’t worry. I haven’t seen Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Nor will I ever see it. Lest I remind you: I Don’t Care About Star Wars. I’m NOTspoiling THE MOVIE.
What I’m about to do is… basically predict what happens in the movie. Even though. You ,now. I haven’t, ever, watched an entire Star EWars movie, ever.
Obviously, it won’t be, like… BEAT-BY-BEAT like I did in previous types of tramblings in the past. This will be a MUCH more generalized thing. You know?
If none of that makes sense. Then. Guess what? You joined the dark side. how big of an asshole are you now?right? Quit using the force to gain your own personal agenda. Innit? Quit being a dick. And Read.
The empire emplores you to do so.
Dude. I have no idea what I’m doing.
BUIT HERE GOES!
Basically… the movie opens up with Kule Sykwalker teaching all sorts of forciness down… what’s her name? Rey?’s throat. Right. They’re all on that planety things. He’s progressively being a dick about it. Right?
Like… “DUDE! Rey… if that’s your ame… I swear to God, th Empire needs to fall and stuffs! Quit being a stereotypical female protaganist and just accept your reluctant heroes journey already! Christ! Don’t you see that i lost my hand fighting for this cause?! Accept me! Love Me Rey… if that’s your name!”
Luke Skywalker is doing all of that.
Meanwhile. In a galaxay far, far, away or whatever… Kylo Ren’s dealing with the… I have no idea what’s going on in this side of the aisle, legit. I figured the empire was destroyed in Ep. VI. But. I don’t know. However the story’s going foreward. Merhaps Emperor… what’s his name? Palpatine? Something? Mayne he’s still around? And he’s like…
“Dude… Kylo Ren… you know that you’ve got to keep fighting for the Empire! You’re such an evil dude! You killed yourselves some Han Solo last time! Dude. You know. You’re so evil. You gotta keep using the Force for the side of evil. You’ve got to do it. You’ve got to do it. You’ve got to do it.”
Adam Driver’s showing his ugly face all over the place. You know…
RANDOM SIDENOTE: Come off it, dude. Afam Driver is ugly as hell. I watched the first season and a half of Girls, dude. He’s a dude so ugly he might even considered dating Lena Dunham (and did dat eher in the series). Basicalluy…. I’m saying all of this. Because. OIne of the biggest complaints IU heard about Star Wars: The Force Awakens is that Kylo Ren, Driveer, is such a good looking dude~! How could he ever be a bad guy?! Again. He’s ugly as fuck. So ugly, he once “dated” Lena Dunham. GTFO.
Meanwhile… the b;ack storm trooper diude (Sigh. I know. Apparently I’m racist now). He’s probably being the Han Solo of the movie. Or something. I don’t know. Basicaly. He’s meeting iup with the cute pengiuin-y CGI characters that are like… you know… cute. Or whatever. Because. LAUGHS! HAHAHA!
Things are happening. Like. Battles. Things. Empire b. Rebels. All that.
Al;l of a sudden. During these battles.
It comes down to… you know… Kylo Ren. Killer oif Han Solo. Meetinfg… you know…, Rey. I th9ink is her name. And they’re about to duel to the death.
Hell man. They probably lightsaber it up. Jousting lessons and all.
And it’s an awesome fight. That has no winner.
More than likely. It’s Kylo Ren that says, “Dude, you’re good. We’re both good. This Emperor Palpatine (or whoever the “MAIN” bady is), is a douche.”
Rey’s internally, like, Wow, I never thought it that way. So she asks. “How big of a douche is he?!”
Kylo responds, “Dude. Don’t even get me started. I know I was a dick, and I killed Han Solo and all, but like, this whole, ‘domination of the universe’ thing? I’m noty about that. That’s Disney’s M.O. You know?”
Rey… whatever her name is says, “Yeah m,an. Disney is a dick. I also ran into this bearded dude that was like, ‘No Rey, you’ve got to use the force for good! OR ELSE~!’ But like, what does ‘for good’ mean, anyways, right?”
Kylo, dumbfounded, shocked, everything says, “Dude. You’re awesome. Let’s get married right now whilst the rebellion fights the empire.”
Rey’s like, “Yeah dude. Let’s do it. Both of these guys suck.”
We find ourselves here.
Abd,,, somewhres in there Princess Leia dies.
The end? I guess?