12DoDM19 — D2: Watching of The Family Man

Look man. Lsast I know. In like.,.. I dunno. 2005 or so. I remember likingh this movie, right? Mostly because Nicolas Cage’s lack of acting prowess isn’t needed. Right? like. A tomato could fill his role here and be convincing. Kinda thing.

More than that, I remember this being a deep, like, “OMG~! I love Christmas and families~! And shit” kinda thing.

Mostly. This movie is something that’s… stuck with me. For… whatever reason. and yes. It’s got Christmsy connotTIONS all aroudn it. So. Come on ya’ll. Right? Don’t @ me about how this isn’t a Christmassy classic enough or whatever. It’s Nicholas Cage. Acting awesomely. For once. And it’s Undertones are Christmassy AF! so. LFG!

  1. Sp. Uh. Apparently. Brett Ratner was “#MeToo’d?” OR something similar/ I dunno. I’ve no idea. All that I know. For certain. Is that this is a film. Directed by him. It says so right there in the opening credits. So.
  2. Seems like Nicolas Cage is sexually assualtying thje would be, Maddam Secretary. 🙁 God damn ity. Sorry.
  3. “No one thinks clearly at the airport.”
    -Niucolas Cage. Makes sense to me.
  4. nicolas Cage is making out with his co-worker. Again. 🙁
  5. one two skip a ferw. 13 years later. Things about “Amazing lovers.” “Pouring egg nog.” Seriously. FDo these people not realize it’s 2019?!
  6. Nicolas Cage is prancing about. Like he was Superman in 1998 or something.
  7. Even more secxual assault implications. Happned. In the elevator. 🙁

    I’m just saying.
  8. Uh oh. Jack. Nicolas Cage. is such a businessi person. He loves working on Christmas Eve. Allen doesn’t. But Jack does. Because. Damn it. Capitalism sucks. Obviously.
  9. Oh no. Maddam Secretary is reaching out. For some reason. On Christmas Eve/.
  10. “{Peter” is above Jack. And is more businessy than Jack. Obviously.
  11. Uh oh. An old love doesn’t matter as much as business. BecaUSE business things are business. Duh.
  12. Snow. In New York. On Christmas Ebve. Is.. a miracle. Apparently. THANKS AL GORE! (although, this movie was madew in 2000)
  13. Back in the day when Don Cheadle could pass ads a “GANGSTA~!” bum~!
  14. Amd/. For some reason. Nicolas Cage. Jack. Is in this same Asian owned ghetto convenience storye. Because. Rich businessy businessman.

    Probably overdue for one of these.
  15. Jack brought all this on himself. Obviously. White priveledge or whatever.
  16.  Jack. Sleeps.
  17.  KABLOWY~!
  18. “SHUY UP! IT’S HHRISTMAS!”
    GTFO. Thius girl TOTALLY butchered “Jinghle Bewlls” as performed by the joker. I’m offended. Legit. She sanfg something about “Santa smells.” Yuck.
  19. Out of all of this. The only people Jack could talk to was his in-laws. Sih.
  20. Damn it. Black Don Cheadle. Encroaching on our white priveldge. Thanks dude.
  21. Not cool, dude. GET CUTE!
  22. Uh oh. Vinimans don’t work so good.
  23. Legit, though? “Frank, why do I need to remind you that I’m Jack Campbell, President of the comapny?!” Is THE PERFECT… and PERFECTLY EXECUTED ‘Nicolas Cage,” line.

    Alright. Merhaps it weren’t this perfect.
  24. Where we’re going… Don Cheadle drives Ferraris. BOOM~! BLM~! SOMETHING!~ Maybe? I’m probablu being too edgy. My bad. But not really.
  25. Mewrhaps. “Jack” wqas the first “woke” person ever. Outside of Matt Hardey. Well. No. Not at all since this movie was made in 2000.
  26. Dumbfounded Nic cage face. Good job.
  27. The hel? Now Jack entered into a 50’s univerrse?
  28. I guess… Jack entered Jeremy Piven’s mancave. Bedoere “amancave” was a wqord. In 2000.
  29. Nic Cage? 30’s? 2000? GTFO.
  30. “Don’t screw up the best thing in your life because you’re a little unsure of who you are.” -Jeremy Piven. Just now. Merhaps… it’s just me. But dude. More than likelhy, we all could use a little of that, innit?
  31. Hands. Down. This is. Easilty. The best Nic Cafew movie. Forreals.  Already.
    RANDOM SIDENOTE: Assholes that put two spaces after a period are the worst. ‘Twas a typo I used above.
  32. “:You miasws Christmas, Jack.” Aren’t we all. You know. In rthis “OUTRAGE~!” society.
  33. Dude. Anty man that is upset with his wardrobe is a piece of shit. Ladies. Run from a guy like this. Forreals. The end. Take my word. I’m a lesbian.

    Nic Cage face. Because. You know. I’ve got nothing. I’m liking all of this.
  34. Wait… “American made, not Cuban” is a selling point for a Cigar? GTFO?!
  35. Uh oh. Non profit. Probono. Christmas. UH OH~!
  36. wALKING THE dog. I think that wasa political saying. Once upon a 9/11.
  37. Cryig babies. The day after Christmas. becausde. Life. And nakedness.
  38. Jack’s a asexual all of a sudden? GTFO!
  39. HERE IT IS! THE MONEY SHOT! NIC CAGE CHANGING A DIAPER!
  40. URINATION! NO BLEEDING DON’T GIVE A…. IF I CUT MY ARM BLEEDING! DUH DUH DUH DUH DUHDUHD THIS IS MY LAST RESORT!
  41. Alternate universes. Dude. UNIVERSAL PICTURES~! DUH~! We’re in the matrix. Boom Solved it all. Thanks.
  42. Faughrter’s caught on to this actu. Her dad’s an alien. Obviously.
  43. Or. Her dad was replaced by the Institute. In all actualiry. Zetans cant accomplish this shit.
  44. Wait. Christmas is over. Whuy are people still acting like it’s Christmas, man?
  45. Dude. Carseats are a bitch. I totally deel for Jack.
  46. I mean. I’m liking this. Dude. Tires.
  47. I mean. Office Space ddi it betterm innit?
  48. Fucking hell. Way to make me feel old and young at the same time. Right. 1988. Jack was in Lomdon in ’88. Sigh. Stuffs. Things. Wortds.
  49. Uh poh. How Jack’s feeling about this health care deals. Stockithings. Must be how I feel about Bitcointt and shit. mayber. Merhaps.
  50. Dude. Dude. Duyde. Stoip it. Jack. Being the playboy billionare Bruce Wayne wannabne., H’es gonna know when a woman’s horny. He’s not going to be more instrested in the market news. Come off it. Don’t you know it’s 2019?!~
  51. Riders on the storm… I know that’s not thje song htat’s on now. But it should and might as well be.
  52. “how can you look at me like you haven’t seen me for the lasdt 13 years?!” The lesbian in me is crushed, dude.
  53. And. Of course. He’s aslep. Because. Men.
  54. Nic Cage hates shopping at the mall. Like any sane human being. DOESN’T TEA LEONI KNOW THAT AMAZON EXISTS?!
  55. Uh oh. Nic Cage is invested in BitCoin.
  56. Nic Cagfe is victim shaming. I think. Because he’s SUCH A PRICK NOEW!
  57. Dude. I don’t understand this world we live in now. So. Sorry that I’m trying to relate this movie, mde in 2000, to today. Whatever.
  58. Again. I’m just awestruck by Nic Cage’s best performance.
  59. BOWLING NIGHT! CAUSE FRED FLINTSONE SAID SO!
  60. So lots of Nic Cage things happening.

    Shitty looking Cage cake face. Obviously.
  61. Damn it dude… where’s the Christmans? Besides… you know… at the beginning.
  62. Jack’s driming alone. Because. You know that’s what losers due. According to society.
  63. Nic Cage singing about what love means. Dude.

    One of these. Obviously.
  64. Uh oh. Sitcom stereotype. Due forgot anniversar. Because. Plot.
  65. I knew a styar thing happened.
  66. Twin towers. SAgain. I’m so triggered.
  67. Something sabout living in suburbia being a bad thing. I’m triggered. Again. Becfause. 2019. But. I think I’m doing it wrong.
  68. Dancing. Something that’d make my grandma love this movie.
  69. This Nic Cage Monulogue is awesomel. Again. This is his best moivie by my estimation.
  70. Damn it. I[m goig all philosophical about akternate realities,
  71. Sigh. Loveiness hurts? I don’t know.
  72. And. I guess a year long montage happens? I Think?
  73. Nopes. Was wrong. Apologies. It’s only Valntine’s Day! DUH! Not Christmas!
  74. So… the montAGE was just like… a day? I don’t know.
  75. Oops. Jack meets that old dude he knows and/or works/ed with. However times orks. and stuffs. Right?
  76. Oof. 40ish minutes left. Still. Ugh. Sorry.
  77. So. Now. Jack’s building up his old life. With this new one with the family. And Maddam Secretary and such. Obviously.
  78. Something about how this dude they’re having a meeting with was like an underling of Jack’s or something. Right?
  79. Fuck Allen. And Wall Street. This is Pre-9/11! Fuck Capitalism! Right1!
  80. Again. This is a great monulogue by nic Cage. Because. This is his best movie ever. Although his delivery of, “I won’t let you down.” Kinda sucked. But.

    Ni Cage be Nic Cage. AMIRITE?!
  81. Maddam Secretary isn’t impreessed by awesome bi city appartments. Obviously.
  82. Nic Cage laughing is allways scary. Gotta agree with Madam Secratary.
  83. Nic Cage is thinking about the moneys and stuffs. And not about the families. Still.
  84. Jack. Jeremy Piven DOES  envy you. You idiot! THat’s what Maddam Secratery awas telling you. You idiot!
  85. So. No. Jack. You gotta choose. New York. Roman Empire. Pre-9/11. Lifestyle. Moneys. Or family. Duh.
  86. So. In the end. Madam Secratary is like. Yeah dude. Let’s do this. Go to New York. And have the ieal life.
  87. Then. Like. All of a sudden. It’s Christmas again? All of a sudden, Jack’s in a convenience store again? And Don Chedel is here. And like. I dunno. This isn’t very Christmasy anymore.
  88. Jack’s like, “I’m going back to the mothership.” And stuffs. Fucking awesome.
  89. Ugh dude. Tearing up cause I’m lame.
  90. I mean. I could do soe random deep dive about how he’s letting the pet dog roam free. But eh.
  91. He’s watching Madam Secratary sleep. Cause he doesn’t want to fall asleep ang get snapped back into his timeline thing.
  92. But boom. THere it is.

    Just cause. This time. No Crazy Nic Cage context at all.
  93. But. Of course.
  94. Family now means more to Jack. Here. Now that it’s Christmas again.
  95. Oof. That Nokia default ringtone. In 2000.
  96. Again. A brilliant. Blah. Nic Cage monulogue. Good times.
  97. So. Uh. Nic Cage dials a number. And discover’s Madam Secratary’s prsonal informaton. And also. I think… the morgue woman from MIB happens. Nopes. Kate is there. And Jack knw she was and whatever.
  98. Blah. Whatever. We snapped back to reality. Woops there goes gravity. And like. Stuffs.
  99. Here we are. Back where the movie started. It’s a Wonerful Life style. And it’s Chritmas again.
  100. And. Boom. Eventually. We find ourselves In the airport. Again. You know. Pre-9/11. Where cJack can meer up wiht Kate. And convince her to start a life with him. Because. God damn it. Maybe he’s craz. Maybe lives in his ead FAR too much. But god damn it. He saw and PHYSICALLY lived in a life. Where they had children together. And one of them plays the iolin. Right. Oof.
  101. Nic Cage describing the kids. Man. Tearing up. Ugj/
  102. “I choose us.” I mean. It sounds good in theory. But. Sorry dude. It’s never worked for mem….
  103. Christmas. Yay!

Oof. Dude. Again. 1000 times. Nicholas Cage’s best mvie ever. Period. The End. Bar none.

Overall? The movie gets 3 poop filled diapers out of 5.

kbye.

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