WrestleMania 34 Predictions

RANDOM SIDENOTE: When typing, “Brock Lesnar” in the tags, I first put, “Brock Lesbian.” Fun, random fact to kick us off, I suppose.

Unlike last year, I’m super stoked or ‘Mania. Moreso than I’ve been since probably XXX. WrestleMania 34 has a LOTY going for it, dude. TWO modern “dream” matches. Daniel Bryan’s return. Ronda Rousey’s debut. And… you know… merhaps, Brock Lesbar’s (LMAO) last WWE match ever.

Also. Instead of doing the norm. As far as my ‘Mania predictions go. I’m PRETTY God damn positibe I’ve never done this before. The norm’s ALWAYS been… I just predict the matches listend in order on the WrestleMania website, right?

This time? I’m gonna do my dammnedst to list the matches. In order from my lest anticipated. To most. Right? Got that? Understand? You know what’s going on here? Alrgith.

KICKOFF MATCHES

Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali (WWE Cruiserweight Championship)

A[parently, the Cruiserwight Classic was really good, right? then 205 Live happened. Because “LIVE~!” must be included on every show, ever. Apparently. And couldn’t care less about it. Ever. I mean. I cared about the CWC, in theory. But. I mean. There was no Riccochet. So why care, right? Anyways. I don’t care about this latest bit of Cruiserweightness. At all. So. I mean Cedric Alexander wins. Obvously.

The first-ever WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal Match

*COUGH*
But like… who the hll knows right? I’m just gonna throw Ruby Riot out thefe. Cause like… they’re ALLL on about “OMG~! THE BATTLE ROYAL CREATES A CARREER~!” and such. And Ruby needs it the most, innit? And it totally sucks that Bayley and sahsa are involved here. And not in their own match.
But more importantly. It sucks. Balls. That WWE can’t have bals anymore man. Fuck you cunts bitching about unproven shit. Allah #MeToo and Fabulous Moolah. Sucks that they can’t have balls and stick by their guns. Fabulous Moolah deserves the recognition. Shut up.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Eh. God oinly knows. Cause. You know. Battle royal. Just like before and such. But I’ve got a terrible, sinking, disgusting, horrible feeling that Baron Corbin is going to win. MERHAPS. Dolph Ziggler. I only throw his name out there cause it… makes SOME sense, plus, it’ll give him some credibility towards the inevitable Backlach match against Danial Bryan and whatnot. But Baron’s who I’m going with. AND I GUESSED THIS SHIT CORRECTLY LAST YEAR! COME AT ME, BRO!

Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss vs. Nia Jax

So. Basically. Alexa Bliss is going to win after. You know. Shenannigans. Like… After a ref bump, Nia Jax is gonna hit a samoan drop. THEN a top/middle rope splash or something ridiculous. You know, make sure Alexa’s TOTALLY out of it. Mickie gets involved, attacks Nia with a chair or pipe or something. Puts Alexa on top of Nia. One, two, three. Nia comes to before Alexa, chases off Mikie. Then… F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S. Carmella chashes in an pins Alexa. Boom.

Universal Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

Roman Reigns wins. Like. Duh. Right?

United States Champion Randy Orton vs. Bobby Roode vs Jinder Mahal vs. Rusev

So. EVERYONE loves Rusev. I have NO idea why. Like. At all. Sure. he makes gimmicks thrown at him work, unbeliably. But that’s just it. Like. Why the fuck does everyone care so God damn much about him? the whole Aide Anglish singing thing was and is annoying as ALL hell. But damn, dde. “Russev Day” shirts are selling like hotcakes. Because. Reasons? CLEARLY Bobby Roode should with this. But oh wells.

Intercontinental Champion The Miz vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Bálor

so. Clearly. Seth Rollins should win here. But. I mean. Obviously The Miz is gonna win. He’s booked as the underdog, he’s gonna get time off, cauyse, baby, so no one think’s he’s going ot win. So. He will.

SmackDown Tag Team Champions The Usos vs. The New Day vs. The Bludgeon Brothers

Man. It sucks that this isn’t a ladder or TLC match or something. But. With THIS buil;d. If The Bludgeon Brothers don’t win and shake the non-existant SmackDown Tag division up, then WWE should just call it a day, dude. They should settle their “concussion” lawsuit to the tune of $23b, file for bankruptcy and hang it up. Cause htye don’t know how to do anything anymor. At all. Right?

Raw Tag Team Champions The Bar vs. Braun Strowman and ???

Look. The last match is DEFINITELY going to be better. Because. Anything invlolveing Sheamus is immediately shit. But the whole “WHO’S BRAUN’S POARTNER~!” thing’s got me intrigued. Either way. The Bar’s going to win. Beat the partner. Then Braun’s going to drop the whole, special WrestleMania stagge set on top o him and such.

John Cena vs. The Undertaker

No. The match isn’t official. Hence. No REAL cool looking graphicx and shit. But obviously, something’s gonna happen with them. And it’ll be instresdting to see how it all comes about. Fuck if I know who’s gonna win. But I’ll go with Undertaker cause Cena looks weak as shit, he’s playing the default heel, and yeah. I dunno. Should be fun.

Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H & Stephanie McMahon

Ronda Rousey’s debut is, obviously, intriguiung. Plus you’ve got Kurt Angle, one of the greatest workers every in the business. And. I mean. Obviouslty. Kurt and Ronda are going to win. And if they don’t. AND/OR if THIS match closes the show… Stephany McMahon needs to… I don’t know, man. If either of htose things comes true… Stephany just… Vince needs to wisen the fuck up and tell her to fuck off. Forever. Right?

Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn

Now. Look. It’s OBVIOUSLY that Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn will win. It’s just a matter of who’s turning on who? Shane could turn on Bryan. Bryan could turn on Shane. MY guess is Bryan’s turning. The ‘E’s got to try to bury their most popular wrtestler’s momentum somehow. Turning him heel may biuy them some time before they put him in the main event picture. Plus. It’s the direction that makes the most, “logicl,” sence. But. Because the E’s going to be the E’ and do this, it’s going to backfire hard. Bryan’s gonna be as heely as they come. But he’ll still get the biggest pop every night. Cause. Obviously.

WWE Champion AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

Like. The WORST build up to ANY “dream match,” EVER. Seriously. WWE did ALL they could to make this match uninteresting. Because. You know.

And all that.

I mean. This will obviously be The best match of the night. Me, personally, I want AJ Styles to win. But really. It only makes sense that Shinsuke Nakamura gets the win and stuffs. Right?

SmackDown Women’s Champion Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka

See, man. Like I’ve been saying. I have NO idea what’s perked by current “on again” love affair with WWE. But. MERHAPS. it has a LOT to do with how awesome Asuka is. If Asuka doesn’t win. Her allure will be totally destroyed. At the same time, I totally understand that Charlotte needs the win to cement herself as the BEST woman on the roster and all of that.
WWEs been on all about how awesome womens are and such. Plus, they’re hyping up, “the only thing left is to main even ‘Mainia.” A LOT. i’m crossing my fingers that this happens. Not because. “RPOGRESS~!” But because. Ddue. It’s the match I’m most looking forward to. And everything.

And., Like I said. If Stephany puts herself in that “milestone” role of closing the show… The world should end. Period.

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