The Drunken Watching of Batman Returns


My twin brother right there.

Despite ALL of my o[ioniongs to the cntrary… Batman has made some mistakes. Hell. Batman & Robin. Need I say more? But shit. this movie? RThis one… you know… the sequel the Tim Burton’s Batman (1989). It was about as EQUALLY as horrible as Joel’s “sequel” to Batman Forever.


In fact… I like Batman & Robin MORE than this movie. I’m ABSOUTELY forrewals onm this. Despite all opinions to the cotrary, I actually thought Arnold was the perfect choise for Mr. Freeze. The execution wasn’t all that good, obviously. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy was a perfect casting as well. Again, the execution was terrible.

Oh… and I know I said it would be a while before I did a Batman blog. But… whatever.

Writer’s block. or seomething. It’s happening.

If you haven’t seent any of my other “Drunken Watching Of…” blogs… then you suck. But basically… it works like this: I watch something. And when I have a thght about this said, something I say so on here. Kinda like a facebook status. Get it? No. Then you suck more. But you’ll get it as it goes along.

Without ANY further ado… here’ is… The Drunken Watching of Batman Returns.

The poster. And shit. Or something.

First thought:  I believe my sister once told me that it was Paul Ruban… you kne… PeeWee Herman that played Penguin’s father in the opening bit. Can someone confirm this for me?

Really… they’d lock their baby up in a cage cause it’s deforemed? I thought this was Gotham City. Noth Borat’s Kazaksthan.

And do… we’re made to believe that Penguin has been raised by random penguins in the sewers of Gotham City. I’m sorry. But right about now. The stories told by the father in Tim Burton’s Big Fish seem MUCH more believable.

Now… we’ve got the Christmas Tree lighting. Alfred hates newspapers. Penguin watches shit under the sewer. I’m pretty sure that the lighting of the Christmas tree goes off without a hitch. Seriously. (This will make sesne later)

Then we’re introduced to Max Shreck. Being a cunty capitalyst and stuffs. Oh. And Selina Kyle trying to be smart. As a secretary. Or something. And then we see her having self doubts. Or… like… we se e her exposing her insecurities. Something like that.

Max Shreck can’t remember to put his own speech ni his own pocket. So. He blames Selina Kyle. Why? Cause he’s a capitolist cunt.

Big Christmas present reveals a clown gang. WHERE WERE THESE BASTARDS IN 1989?!

Then… Commissioner Gordon demands the lighting of the Bat signal. And random signals atop of Wayne Manonr shine into a window to alert Bruce Waybne. No one’s noticed them at the charity events held at Wayne Manor?

UH OH~! Someone in a devil costume sets some teddy bears on fire~! Batman better nail this asshole! Nope. Batman doesn’t nail him. He has the Batmobile turn around. With a button. And ignores him. 🙁

Amidts all of this chaos. Batman finds Selina Kyle and saves her. And they share some random exchange of dialogue. Or something.

Batman fights like… four people. And the chaos is over. YAY! Gordon thanks him!

Finally… we… along with Max Shreck are introduced to Penguin. And Penguin rambles about how bad Capitalism is. Well… specifically, how bad Max Schreck and his company is. And Penguin wants to become a part of the citizensip. Or something. He wants to find his parents.

Now… here comes the part where I skip bits of this DVR’d movie of mine.

Who would EVER forget how amazing the sequence was when Selina Kyle listens to her answering machine?!

Then she gets thrown out of a window. And cats lick her! RIVETING SHIT RIGHT THERE~!

And wait… she listens to her answering machine some more! Oh… how clever. She breaks some lights of the neon lights on her wall. cause you know. Every Gothm girl has some random neon lights in her bedroom. But she broke a couple of them. And ater she assembles the “Catwoman suit” we see that the neon lights spell “Hell here.” Instead of “Hello There” Awesome!

Mayor talks about how evil shit is. Or something. And violence sucks. And a clown takes his baby. But wait. RUSSO SWERVE~! Penguin “saves’ the baby! And he wants to find his parents. YEAH! Apparently, the audience in movie theaters are WAY more intelligent than ANY citizen of Gotham and couldn’t decuce that Penguin actually had somedubious acts up his sleeve.

Skipping a bit more.

Why the fuck would Bruce Wayne OR Batman hate the thought of cold soup? Really. Would EITHER of these two incarnations of this… person… spit out the substanance? Seriously? Stupidness.

Penguin announces that he is Oswald Cobblepot and shit. And he hates his parents. But not really. LOL.

Catwoman saves a girl from getting mugged. Or raped. Or something. And warns her that Batman isn’t the savior she needs. Or something. Then does sommersaults out of the scene. And shit.

Bruce Wayne meets with Max Shreck. Bruce doesn’t like how much of a capitalist Max Shreck is. Or something along those lins. I don’t really know. It’s not just drunkenness. None of this shit makers sense. At alll. But Max realizes that Selina is still alive and Bruce meets Selina but confuses himself with himself. And stuff.

Shreck makes the obvious decision to run Penguin as Mayor. Cause. You know. WHY THE FUCK NOT?! Penguin bites the nose off of his image consultant. And he enjoys copping a feel on boobs. DUH?! And we need a REISCHTOC FIRE~! According to Shreck. And yes. That was spelt wrong. Partly because I don’t know how to spell it. Because I’m drunk. Partly because I don’t feel like looking up how to spell it. Because I’m drunk. But mostly because I love how conspiracy theorists think. I mean. If Alex Jones gets his hands on this evidence, I’m sure he’d tie this movie (and me) to the “New World Order” in a heart beat.

Fuclkig Alex Jones. I COMPLETELY lost my train of thought. I guess… I’ll unpause where the movie is at and keep watching. Or something.

Fighting. Batman. Fighting Clowns that are three(? my math sucks) years too late. And stuffs. A dog growls. Ands the BAtarang doesn’t hit some girl. But. Like. I don’t know what’ happeneing. Catwoman is going tinto a department store. Cause she can. And she hates the law. Why? CAUSE MAX SHRECK PUSHER HER OUT OF A WINDOW! DUH?!

She hate security guards too.

Three years too late, son.

Batman hates guys bigger than him. In fact. He kills them. Why. Because! DAMN IT! He kills guys bigger than him! The world’s greatest dectective COULD NOT find a better way to defeat a larger opponent than by giving him a bomb, throwing him into the, presumred, sewer, and blowing him up.

Then Batman and Penguin talk. JUST CUASE~@! And they both meet Catwoman. JUST CAUSE~!

And the building blows up. JUST CAUSE~! (Well…. OK… Catwoman set up some explosives. But still. It as JUST CAUSE~!~)

Batman and Catwoman fight atop a building. JUST CAUSE~! Batman hit her. BUT HOW COULD HE?! SHE’S A WOMAN~!

Catwoman wants the two of them to swap identities and shit. Blah. Seems like a HISHE script about now. But yeah. Batman knocks her off the building and into. WHAT?! A TRUCK CARRYING CAT LITTER?! Damn dude! Nice shot!

Batman needs Alfred to give him some medicine. Basically. Blah… skipping now.

Blah… it’s taken me ike a month rto wrote this blog. So basically…

  • Bruce and Selina realizes each others’ “secret identity.”
  • Penguin becomes a ciunt and decides he wants to kill all of GHotham’s first born chilren.
  • Batman stops this plan. Somehow.
  • So Penguin decides he’d rather just blow up Gotham. Just cause.
  • How is he going to do this? By using an army olf mind-controlled penguins. DUH?!
  • BUT WAITAMINUTE!~! Batman controls the Penguins minds!~! He hacked them and stuffs~! What a detective he is~!
  • Penguin dies.
  • Max Shreck dies.
  • And the end.

And that’s it.

The ending here sucked. But oh welss. I’m done.


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