12DoDM: Day 10 – Home Alone


Perhaps it’s nostalgia. Perhaps it’s juszt the facrt that I love seeing criminals get beate half-to-death by a 10-ish-year-old. At which poiint I should probably be institutionalized. Either way. THe fact remains. The Home Alone films? The first two, anyways. They are. BY FAR my FAVORITE Christmas movies. Outside of Elf. Honestley, I’m not sure which one of them I like more. Home Alone, though? It’s pretty. God damn. HIGH up thaere.


The End.

Bar none.

Roll credits on this whole. “12 Days of a Drunken Mess” already. There’s no point in continuing from here on out. None at all. Even though, it’s damn near over already. But. You’ve ALREADY got the basic concepts.

Biut there is, sometheing, VERY deep hat I KNOW I’m forgetting right now.  I KNOW it’s escaping me. So. For now. Delve deeper into my drunken watching of the VERY FIRST Home Alone film.

  1. opening credits that last WAY too long. And… even MORE nonsense transpires in gthe first threeish minutes in the movie.
  2. Something about movies.
  3. Franlk?! FRANK!
  4. WHOA~! There’s the actor most famously known as being the dad in Home Alone~!
  5. Something about Joe Pesci beinfg a cop. But.. that’s never, EVEER explained again.
  6. I know the feeling of this whole “HUGE FAMILY~!” nonsense. But. Well. Not really.
  7. Something about a Coca-Cola reference already. But not really.
  8. And then… Spider exosition.
  9. Fuck you, Buzz.
  11. SHOVELS~!
  12. Still. Joe Pesci is a cop. Why?

    #BlackLivesMatter… nope, I’m doing it wrong
  13. Outside of the President’s family… (but you know, not even THEY do this) but who, in America, goes to Paris for Christmas? WHAT FAMILTY DOES THAT?!
  14. You guys give up on that rhetorical question? Or are you ready for more?!
  15. Pizza guy stifcks around after pizza has been eaten?
  16. Anfd again. Joe Pesci’s there. As a cop. Why?
  17. Kevin, Dude. Stop it. You’re 10. You’ve GOT to get used to your family sucking.
  18. then againl…
  20. Caise… whyy not?!
  21. Something about a handheld device in 1990. Not working. Sigh.
  22. FRANCEW~!
  23. the family totally just threw their most hated family member in th e attic. And forgot about him. Why?

    Bitch about hyour closet space, Mr. Potter.
  24. Don’t you feel like a “heel” flying first class instead of coach. Seriously. This ter. “heel” ONLY made waves,for me., in wrestling. NO ONE.. ever desacribed ANYTHIONG that sucked as a “heel.” Evere.
  25. Basically. Given all of this “flashback-y” quoites. Kevin is the REAL “heel” in this situation.
  26. I totally set up action figures, things…. expecting to shoot them don with a fake guin. You know. Like kevin just did. Blah.
  27. Something about the Mafia. Maybe.
  28. Kevin’s been home alone for hours. But. He still thinks he’s in the presence of that massive family of his. I don’t want ot speak from experience too much. But. Fuck you.
  29. KEVIN~!
  30. Sledding down stairs was never, has never, will NEVER be something fun.
  31. So… Joe Pesci impersonated a cop.
  32. Why?
  33. So/ BNeoimg “hopme alone” had EVERYTHING to do with fear. EXPLAIN THAT, DAD~!
  34. Srgt. Ballsack’s donut, cinnamon roll, whateverthehellitis… i8t’s haunted me since 1991 or so. that damn thing looks too awesome.
  35. Something abougt 1990’s earliness. Airport sercurity, Commentary. Maybe.
  36. Then. THere’s the money shot. Kevin screaming. Hands on his cheeks. Thingus. Because oif… DUN DUN DUNNNN… aftersghave~! BOOM~!
  37. Kevin goes lurking. You know. Something a normal keid would do if he was home alone for like, two weeks.
  38. He stars in his asshole borther’s room. Becausde. That nakes sense, innit?
  39. I don’t know about hyou. But the FIRST olace I’d snoop around would be my older broter’s room if I wre home alone like that.
  40. In all seoriously, at the toime? You know. 1990. I’d stay CLEAR away from my brother’s room. He had creepy shit in there. Like some miniature football person that ALWAYS creeped me out. Plus, ther was this poster of a half-man-half tiger thing.

    This does the creepiness NO justice. Wait. What?
  41. Joe Pesci’s all playing with a  RC car. Thing. Ad. It just so happens that Kevin’s dad leaves a message on the anwering machine and shit. blach.
  42. It’s for the kids? Noipes.
  43. Something about shovels after theat.
  44. And the shovelmaster.
  45. Kvin STRAIGHT UP robs a store.Of a toothbrush.
  46. Joe Pesci FINALLY does his best Joe Pecsi impression.
  47. Gold teeth. Unfortunately. They wrren’t a tend that stayed in the 90’s. GRILLS YO!
  49. Damn Catholics. Whhy ya’ll gotta be SO GOD DAMN CREEPTY?! ALWASS?! Ya’ll can’t even make Mother Theresa’s upcoming sainthood normal. It’s GOTTA be creepy. Always.
  50. And. Here’s te only reason wh7y I care about ” Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.”
  51. Back then in the early 90s I ALWAYS confused Michale HJordan with Michael Jakoson. Just wanted to get that off my chest. #BlackLivesMatter.
  52. Shrimo coctails. BOOOOO!
  53. So. Kevin’s sister is Canadian.
  54. There is NO boring street in the greater Chicago area.
  55. I STILL want to watch this “mob movie thing” that kevin’s been watching and using its soundbytes and shuch.
  56. If only getting a free pizza was that easy these days. Today, you’ve got to show your boobs on 4chan to get a free pizza. Damn patriarchy.
  57. If only “begging from mother-to-mother’ got you on an airplane these days. Damn patriarchy.
  58. kevin starts lipsynching. Reasons.
  59. Money shot? Again? I totally forgot about htat.
  60. It’s for the kids? YEAH~! It’s gotta be that scene.
  61. FUC YEAH!
  62. How the fuck does Kevihn have cash? In 1990?
  63. hoiw the fuck does kevin know how to do laundry?
  64. Come off it. The furncace is the least of your worries. There you go. Good man.
  65. Alright. Forreals. Calling ullshit. Give me your affluenza excuse all you want. But NO family, aside from the Trumps, had a TV in the kitchen. IN 1990.
  66. Joe Pecsi’s all on about a mystery inside of a riddle wrapped in in an enigma or something. About this “Snakes” charater.
  67. Pre-9/11 logic/
  69. FFS, Theres like 40 minutes left in the movie. Mait like Caitlyn Jenner and buckle up, buckaroo!
  70. John Candy’s travelling skills were put to MUCH better use in Planes, Trains and Automobiles
  71. “He’s home alone.” Roll credits. DING!
  72. Always had the hots for Sandra Macat back then. She was a fiesty little, gum chewing elf.
  73. Damn. She’s got a boyfriend.
  74. At least Kevin didn’t talk to THIS Santa.
  75. Again. Catholics are creepy as fuck. Even without the shovelmaster.
  76. Don’t get me started on the tombs.
  77. Fuck all this exposition. I’m done. Skippin to the fightness money shot.
  78. So/ Levom’s got a preminaiton that the wet bandits are going to attack the house on Christmas eve? Without any sort of proof? Or.. did I miss that bit?
  79. A kid with a gun?! SUCH OUTRAG~!
  80. Fuck off, Marv!
  81. Wt Bandits. WHy this house? Sure. Affluenza. But still.
  82. Kevin’s such a great eletrical engineer.
  83. I promise I’m suspending disbelief but like. Who’s got tar in their basement. Al ready to go, right?
  84. It’s a good thing Joe Pesci’s alread bald in thismobie.
  85. Frathering a home invader stops them dead in ther tracks.
  86. Thn… there’s the stepping on ornaments.
  87. Mick Foley once probved that this film was FAR more fviolent thant the WWE. Even in the attitude era.
  88. So. Now Kevin thinks to call the police? Kevin’s been a sociopath since the start.
  89. Soundtrack is pretty awesome. Seriously.
  90. At this point. They’ve got the houst to themselves. Bnut Joe Pesci’s all like… yeah. Let’s go get thekid in the treehouse!~
  91. And. The shovelmaster saves the day. Basically.
  92. Automatic Christmas light turnhing on things. They weren;t invented in 1990, were they?
  93. Yup. I KNEW it. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” More on this on Day 12.
  94. John Candy’s still doing his best John Candy impresion.
  95. I’m notw convinced that John Candy ties into the Undertaker/Kane’s lore now. IOne of them is John Cndy’s kid. Left at the funeral parlor.
  96. And really, all kevin wants is his mom for Christmas.
  97. That’s what mattrs. That’s what’s important. The reason this movie works.
  98. The reason why I’ve always loved it so much.
  99. It sucs not havingyour mom on Christmas. Things. Boom.

    99.5: The rest of the family shows up out of no wheres after all the trouble Kevin's mom went through.
    99.5: The rest of the family shows up out of no wheres after all the trouble Kevin’s mom went through. Morning flight ex machina. DING!
  100. Kevin did stuffs to Buzz Aldrin’s room.

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