Drunken WrestleMania 33 Predictions

So. I’m pretty sure I hate wrestling. Forreals this time. Especially since. You know. I’m not planning to watch WrestleMania. Ever. That’s the first time that’s happened since 2005. Like.I can’t think of one match I’m ACTUALLY invested in. But more on that in a bit.

But. It’s a RyansDrunk.com tradition to do some predoictions for ‘Mania. And… I’m pretty p;ositive I’ve never missed a year.Since 2011. And. I mean. Tradition’s tradition. Right?



The Pre-Show

Dude. I’m not even invest in the main show. So. I[‘m going to give aas little a-fuck about this as it deserves. As far as I know. The pre-show consists of the Cruiserweight title match and the battle royal. In whcih Austin Aries and Moko Riley win. Respectfullly.

Raw Tag Team Championship Ladder Match

So like. The tag team divisions on both shows are a complete joke. Anderson and Gallows are the only team worth winning here. But more than likely. Because. Some odd reasin, people like Enzo and Cas, they’ll win. But still. Not changing my predictions. Because. I have principles. Or something.

SmackDown Women’s Championship Match

So. This is a battle royal? A 10-pack channenge? Whatever. If Mickie James doesn’t win. I’ll riot… in Mass Effect: Andromeda. But. More than likely. Naomi‘s winning. Because. I don’t even know.

Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin

Dean Ambrose had better win. Not because I want him to keep the non-existant Intercontinental Championship. But because Baron Corbin is the worst thing to ever happen to wrestling. He’s MORE boring than Randy Orton circa 2003-2004. Jesus Christ man. More than likely Corbin’s going to win. But shit. Ugh.

Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens

This is one of only three matches I’m somewhat interested in. And this one probably has be greater interest. Or whatever. Either way. The story with these two’s been awesome. Honestly. I just never wanted the inevitable “break up” to happen. They were. Legit. The only highlyght of Monday nights. But. I guess I’ll go with Chris Jericho so Owens can get back in the Universal (UGH… UGH… FUCKING UGH…) Championship picture.

Raw Women’s Championship

Eh. Bayley or Sasha’s winning. Right?

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

Another match that’s peaked my interest. Because. You know. Aj Syles. And uh. Yeah. If this were some sort of gimmick matc. Sure. It’d be worth watching. Outside of that. Shane’s got. Basically nothing. As seen at Survivor Series. And. Like. If AJ Styles loses… Doinald Trump will INSTANTLY. 1000% completyely FAIL at making America great again. ISIS is going to win. And We’re going to have to deal with Nazi zombies. Forreals.

Seth Rollins vs. Triple H

And. The last match I actually care about. And there’s like. A few things that go into everything. Hopefully Seth Rollins wins? Maybe he doesn’t because KO and Samoa Joe and Trips officially form this new stable thing they’re doing? And. I don’t know. Man. Like. As much as I’m trying to care. I really don’t. As can be seen here…

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

And really dude. This is what put the nail in the coffin for ‘Mania for me. I absolutely HATE that this match exists. Especially considering. That MORE THAND FUCKING LIKELY Roman Reigns is going to win. I can’t. Man. I. Fucking. Can’t. And if that’s not enough. How’s about a little of this…?

Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar

I mewan. Words? There’s some words that should be said. Right? Like. There’s definitely words that could be written here. I know that there is. Thing is. I don’t have these words. God bless John Clapp. The poor bastard. The dude had to write like 500-ish words for each of these matches. But anyways. Brock Lesnar. In the most obviousness that was anything obviously.

Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

Now. I get what WWE’s trying to do here. And. I’ll even give them a tip of the hat. They tried to make this match akin to Attitude Era Kane/Undertaker type of shit. Right? The problem was.  It turned out to be, at least for me, a bit more Final Deletion than Kane/Taker. And Kane/Taker was one of the more lame aspects of the Attitude Era. But still. Hopfully. Bray Wyatt wins. But who knows? innit?

Just a semi-relevant meme to break away from the predictions.




Pretty much. The 20 minute KFC ad that was Southpaw Championship Wrestling (that’s what it was called, innit?_) was way, WAY, WAY more interesting than Wrestlemania 33. Forreals dude.

Again. I’m not planning to watch the show on Sunday. I’m not planning to watchthe show… ever… honestly. And if Roman Reigns wins. I’m never. EVER paying for the WWE Network. Ever. Period.


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