WWE Raw Review – July 29, 2013
I just decided, I’ll be doing this every week. Or at least I’ll try to. Every Monday night, I’ll post a little recap about WWE’s Monday Night Raw. I’ll chime in with my own thoughts here and there. If you’re still confused about how this will work, just continue reading.
- Show begins with Vince McMahon coming out to the ring and finally portrays on television a characteristic that most of the, internet wrestling circles would have told you years and years ago. He’s basically playing up the fact that he likes bigger sized wrestlers. Daniel Bryan interrupts, he says Vince should listen to the audience. The crowd wants him to be WWE Champion. And before the break, The Shield comes down to the ring for a six-man tag team match.
- The Shield vs. Mark Henry and The Usos
Henry dominates The Shield. Even Roman Reigns. Henry tags out so he can come and make the HOT TAG~! later in the match. Shield gains control of the match. Henry got tagged back into the match and dominates again. Usos do a double suicide dive through the ropes that some how knocked all three members of The Shield down before the break. Come back to see Seth Rollins in control of one of the Usos. And it stays that way, with The Shield in control until Henry does, indeed, make the HOT TAG~! Henry is taken out with a spear by Roman Reigns. Dean Ambrose picks up the win on Jimmy Uso. After the match, Henry cleans house. Again.
- Cut to the announcer’s table. King explains that Ryback is a rotten person. Cut to a video package of Ryback at catering. Or something. He bullies an assumed staff member standing at the table. Throws food on his face. He informs the staffer that the table they’re standing next to is the kind of table he’s going to put John Cena through tonight. Then he puts the staffer through the catering table.
- After the break, we’re back at the announcer’s table. Announcer’s wonder what the American military troops think about the Wyatt Family. And we’re given ANOTHER damn Wyatt vignette. I’m FAR too sick of these things.Kane approaches Brad Madox and asks, “WHERE… ARE… THE WYATTS?!” Madox doesn’t know. He tells Kane to show the Wyatts what kind of monster he still is in his match later tonight against Daniel Bryan.
- Rob Van Dam vs. Fandango
Michael Cole notes Van Dam was on hiatus prior to his Money in the Bank Return. RVD controls most of the start of the match until Fandango gets control. Fandango missed a second rope knee drop. RVD dominates. Fandango intentionally gets himself counted out. Again. After the match, Fandango magically has a microphone an says his name. Again.
- Backstage, AJ Lee is bitching about Kaitlin to Big E. Langston. And she things that Langston “likes” her. Then she skips off.
- Kaitlyn vs. AJ Lee
AJ is the only Diva worth watching. So I actually won’t skip this match. Like I would for any other Diva’s match. AJ’s been in control for most of the match. So now Kaitlyn is making a comeback. She went for a spear only to get a knee in her face. Michael Cole just said, “Kaitlyn is one of the most powerful divas of all time!” Sigh. Points to King for the Carlos Danger reference. If he was an African American tag team manager, he’d be fired. Anyways. AJ works on Kaitlyn’s arm. Kaitlyn hits a spear out of nowhere and wins the match. After the match, AJ has a meltdown in the ring. Dolph Ziggler, her “ex,” comes out to the arena to make fun of her. Then he challenges Langston to a match. Right now. COMMERCIAL!
- Big E. Langston vs. Dolph Ziggler
After the break, Langston is destroying Ziggler. No. Literally. Langston is in control of the match. While Ziggler was making his come back, AJ attacks Ziggler to end the match via disqualification. All she did was pull on his hair. Whatever. Now Langston is pissed. After the match, Ziggler came back into the ring and gave Langston a Zig Zag.
- Backstage, John Cena is on a cell phone. Daniel Bryan stands next to him and wonders if Cena really doesn’t respect him. Cena asks if Daniel was calling him a liar. Silence. Fade to black.
- Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio
Remember when Christian beat Del Rio to win the World Championship? Back and forth match to start it off. And… well… it kind of stays that way. And yes. I still hate Del Rio. Always have. Always will. He’s not entertaining. At all. Still. Del Rio starts to work Christian’s arm before the commercial. And still. Rio’s in control. After a perfect tornado DDT, Christian regains control. Then it goes back and forth again. And really. I’m starting to fall asleep during this match.Whoa. Christian reverses Rio’s cross arm breaker for the win.
- Wade Barret vs. Cody Rhodes
No. I don’t care about this one. At all. So skipping. Cody hits Crossroads for the win. After the match Damien Sandow comes out to the arena. He’s filed a complaint with WWE Management about Cody’s recent antics. Says that Cody comes from a family of clowns.
- Cut to Kane and Daniel Bryan walking through corridors. Fade to black.
- Daniel Bryan vs. Kane
Back and forth beginning. Again. Kane takes control. Obviously. Bryan makes a comeback. All that. He even dodges a choke slam. Bryan drives a knee into Kane on the outside before the break. Come back and Kane’s in control again. Doesn’t last long. Bryan’s dropkicking Kane all over the hell. Then Kane gets control. Again. Hits the top rope clothesline. But suddenly Bryan’s in control again. Bryan counters another choke slam an cradles Kane for the win. Kane hits the choke slam after the match. Bryan leaves the ring. The Wyatt Family comes to the arena and attack Kane. Again. Really. The only thing I REALLY like about the Wyatts is the theme song and the uniqueness of the characters.
- Natalya vs. Brie Bella
Divas. Don’t care. Nikki Bella distracts Natalya, Brie rolls her up for the win. And something about ducks? I don’t know.
- Paul Heyman psyches up Curtis Axel before they walk through a corridor.
- R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel
Paul Heyman has a microphone as the two of them walk down to the ring. Slowly. Says he’s the best manager in history. And it’s their truth. You know, “our truth,” irony. Or something. He mentions that Brock Lesnar will end the career of his former best friend, CM Punk. So basically… the dangerous alliance has become the Paul Heyman guys. Then Hennig gets on the mic. And yeah. He shouldn’t have. He’s “more perfect than perfect.” At least he didn’t say perfecter.
Don’t care about the match. Skipping. CM Punk comes down to ringside. No bell rings even though Punk attacked Hennig. Punk goes after Heyman, Hennig stops him. By the time Punk frees himself, Heyman’s gone.
- Cut to Stephanie McMahon and Triple H walking backstage. Really. Hype Cena/Ryback. Commercial.
- After the break, Trips is talking to Vince backstage, wondering why he’s all hating Daniel Bryan. Vince calls Trips old. Stephanie says he can’t be throwing stones about age. And she thinks Daniel Bryan needs a corporate makeover. Vince disagrees. Trips thinks it’s worth a shot.
- John Cena vs. Ryback – Tables Match
There’s tables all over the hell. For no reason. I think I’m just going to skip this match. Can’t stand either of these two. And yeah. I’m going to skip it. For the most part. OK… so… picture this. A table is propped up on the ring’s apron and a section of the steel steps. Both guys are on either side of it. And go back at forth. Like there was no other option that didn’t have anything to do with the table. Whatever. Then they throw steel steps at each other. Apparently, that needed an instant replay. Ryback did the most impressive move I’ve seen him do with a different sort of jawbreaker. Attitude Adjustment through a table propped in the corner for the win.
Bryan comes down to the ring after the match. Offers to hand the title to Cena, but pulls it back and says it’s going to be his. Cena snatches the belt from him. Tells Bryan that he has a long way to go before he gets the belt. Bryan maniacally screams, “YES!,” over and over to close the show.
A boring night. Even CM Punk’s involvement was barely worth a watch. This week’s episode of Monday Night Raw is no where near a “must watch.” Even if you’re an avid fan.