So the Eiffel Tower. Right. You ever just look at something and think, “that’s way dumber than everyone pretends it is”? That’s the Eiffel Tower. Like, yeah, sure, it’s big. It’s famous. It’s French as fuck. But does anyone ever really think about what the hell it actually is? It’s just a giant fucking metal truss in the middle of Paris. A glorified antenna.
Like imagine you’re in the late 1800s, right? You’re just some French dude trying to enjoy a croissant or whatever, and then suddenly, Gustave Eiffel comes along and says, “hey guys, we’re gonna build a giant-ass tower that does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING except be tall.” That’s it. That’s the whole fucking idea. No function. No real purpose. Just T A L L. And the best part? Everyone hated it. The original reaction was pure seething.
Like, legit, French intellectuals got together and signed a whole-ass petition about how stupid it was. “La Tour Eiffel is an abomination” or whatever. They were calling it useless, ugly, pointless. (Which, let’s be real, they weren’t entirely wrong.) They said it would be a stain on the Paris skyline. And honestly? Respect. They were just early internet haters.
RYAN’S RANGLING: I mean. Kana’s on a roll here, my dudes. So. I’ma just let her cook and finish up. But.
I just wanted to jump in here and say a quick couple of things about my Eiffel Tower experience:
1. Jesus Christ did I hate being at the VERY top of it. Heights and I don’t get along. And it was a pretty windy evening that night. You could definitely feel the sway up there. So I went around the circle at the top and got the fuck back down.
2. When they do the sparkling lights shit at night? That shit is gorgeous. I don’t care. It’s pure sex, as Kana would say.
If I ever start writing “The Years of Me” again, I gotta do a whole ass chapter-y thing about my Europe week. I’ve been meaning to do that a lot these past 14 years, actually. But yeah.
Go ahead and continue, Kana.
But then? Plot twist. The Eiffel Tower somehow became the most iconic thing about Paris. Like, overnight. People went from “this is an atrocity” to “oh wait, this is kinda nice tho” in record time. The Frenchest move possible. Like, “We hate this. We hate this. We hate this… Actually, it’s art now.”
But wait. It gets dumber. Because you’d think, okay, fine, it’s famous now. But the actual reason it wasn’t torn down like they originally planned? Fucking radio signals. I shit you not, the only reason they kept it up was because the French government realized it was useful for radio transmissions. So basically, the Eiffel Tower was saved by the early 1900s equivalent of WiFi.And now? Now it’s just there. Standing around. Looking important. Doing nothing. The most visited paid monument in the world, despite the fact that literally every single photo you could ever want of it already exists. Like, congrats, you flew all the way to Paris and spent €25 to go up a building you can see for free from anywhere in the city. But no, you just HAD to take a selfie on the second level.
Honestly, it’s the ultimate monument to human stupidity. And that’s why I kind of respect it. Like, it’s dumb as hell, but so are we. The Eiffel Tower shouldn’t be this iconic. It should’ve been a historical footnote. But now it’s THE THING everyone thinks of when they imagine Paris. A giant, pointless tower that became famous just by refusing to go away.
Gustave Eiffel, you absolute madman.
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